Rackl Thoughts

This week the trend was...

2012-02-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

Seeing ... Sea otters play in Moss Landing. Stars that are truly uncountable and a horizon that approaches forever in Big Sur. All with friends from Santa Cruz. :)

Hearing ... I stayed over on the top half of the bay on Saturday and woke up to a familiar sound that I hadn't heard in years: the birds. Santa Cruz birds used to greet me every morning. I was a naturalist at the time, so I paid attention.

I would never have realized just how familiar that place is until I heard the birdsong...and recognized it. Not the actual birds, I still suck at identification. But the combinations, the species, they were right. It was almost spooky to be able to recognize such a thing.

In honor of birdsong, I suggest checking out this video.

Tasting ... Bogle Vinyards Zinfandel. I recommend it. I usually don't like wine, but this is very tasty.

Working ... Whew! Grades were due this week, so I felt like I was herding cats to get my kids to make up all their work.

Also, apparently I was unclear about something pretty fundamental in the lesson of "This Is How Grades Work". I had a student say to me, in all seriousness: "What? We have to turn stuff in to you in here?!" The ridiculous part, to me, is that I have this student for both Geometry and Biology...somehow they totally spaced out on the class structures in both classes.

Reading ... Time Magazine. The Surprising Science Of Animal Friendships. It's the cover story this week. Check it out.

Learning ... To make logistics part of my life. I suppose that's what living intentionally is all about. Specifically, if I want to eat food that I made, I have to be in a habit of making it and bringing it with me places. I have to be in a habit of going to the grocery store. It's not going to just happen.

Generalizing to non-eating parts of my life. What do I want to happen? How can I make it easy for myself to do these things?

Creating ... Man, creating has been rather thin for the past month or so. The lace scarf is stalled (Lace is hard! If you get off the pattern, it's hard to recover!) The craft supplies are sitting in the storage room. Hmm...maybe creating needs to go on the front burner.

This week's project. Draw something.

Dreaming .... of solitude. I am exhausted at this moment. The adventures have been great (and I'm about to go out for more). But I know that once I have a moment or two to myself, my soul is going to thank me.

Pondering... A possible second dog in the house. My roommate is thinking about adopting this darling puppy. So cute!

Monterey Bay Aquarium

2012-01-28T15:26:00.000-08:00

Seeing ... the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Rockfish and jellies and otters, oh my!

My folks came down last weekend and took me out to the aquarium as a late Christmas present. That place is magical.

Hearing ... Wilco Summerteeth. Normally, the jam bands just don't do it for me, but Wilco... Wilco is amazing.

Tasting ... Pizza delivery and a 2-liter of soda. This week was one of those crazy busy tired weeks that you just need to celebrate the end of with junk food and soda that rots your teeth.

Working ... hard. I complain about this enough in real life. Nuff said here.

I keep thinking "Maybe I should keep working at my school site next year. After all, I'm getting used to it, I'm learning how to do things...."

Then my face lights up when I talk about middle schoolers or santa cruz and I know that I need to suck it up and follow my bliss, as they say. It's hard to commit to finding a new, unknown job when your current one just got relatively manageable.

Reading ... Rick Morris' website. I thought his seminar would be super cheesy when I heard about it (and, let's be honest, when a coworker that I don't really get along with was espousing his strategies), but his seminar was surprisingly helpful. Practical teaching strategies that I can use on Monday, and that I can picture in action are the kind of thing that makes a professional development worth the time.

If you teach and, like me, struggle with disorganization or spend hours thinking "How do I solve this recurring problem?", I recommend checking him out.

Now, I'm reading his website with more of his good stuff.

Learning ... about color-coding.

About blood types. It's amazing what you can forget in the year it's been since I last taught this stuff.

Creating ... Better grade folders for my class.

Time to climb. Time to run. Time to hang out with monterey people.

Dreaming ... of running this. I don't know if I'll be able to train up for it, but the sun is starting to stay up longer. Spring is just around the corner, and that means its time for training. I love how training makes my body feel.

Pondering... a friend's comment that "Teaching is a lifestyle."

I always want to guard myself from thinking "I am a teacher" as opposed to "I teach" or "I work as a teacher". I feel that listing "teacher" as a part of your identity leads directly to evaluative statements such as "I am a good teacher" or "I am a bad teacher". One is judgmental and the other is self-depreciating. Neither is healthy.

But...teaching does take over your life. It's been a challenge this week to talk about other things than my job. And maybe I should stop denying that this sprawl-over is real. I'm not sure yet.

Sunsets, Bikes, Birds, and High School

2012-01-14T17:58:00.000-08:00

Seeing ... The full moon in the sunrise and sunset. This week's twilights were beautiful. And I was especially happy to get home before dark. That hasn't happened in about a month, it seems.

Hearing ... Flocks of birds feeding on the lawn outside my classroom.

Tasting ... '08 Zinfandel at the Pierce Tasting Room on Cannery Row. I love that I know about this place because my bible study leader works there. Last night, the band was latin, the place was packed, and the Zin was tangy and delicious.

Working ... Back at High School. I have to say, I was not looking forward to going back. I was expecting it to be like last quarter: out of energy and out of ideas. But it was different, somehow. It seemed like a fresh start for me and my students. I got to teach genetics (a fun subject I've taught before!). We switched seats and students turned quiet. It was nice.

I could finally see how it could be. You know, once the first year is over.

I've also been working on my bike with T, my bible study leader's housemate. I remembered how much fun it was to mechanic an old bike into great shape. We pumped up the tires, tightened up the brakes, changed out some cable housing, Now my peugeot rides like a dream.

It may also have been a fake date. You know, the ones right after you meet someone where you're feeling them out to see if you want to date them for real or not. This one, while pretty fun, just reminded me how there's so much more to compatibility than common interests. And that, next time I date someone for real, I don't want to feel awkward because of my beliefs or outlook on life.

So, apparently, I became one of those single girls who thinks about getting/having a boy all the time...when did that happen?

Reading ... Persuasion, by Jane Austen. It's slow going so far.

Learning ... That planning ahead and thinking deeply about what my students need to be successful really does make a difference. I did this week last year for PACT (a huge project...you pass PACT, you pass student teaching.) I spent so much time planning and analyzing this week of instruction. I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised that it actually worked out, but so few things do.

Creating ... This lace scarf. It's tough! I've already ripped out about a third of my knitting. I keep ending up with the wrong amount of stitches, even though I'm being super methodical about following the pattern. At this rate, it'll be done just about the time the weather warms up.

Dreaming ... of climbing trips and runs in the sun. It's been so nice outside lately that it makes me think it might be warm enough to run in the mornings again. :)

Pondering... Model-Based Reasoning and Activity Before Content. I've been so unsuccessful at using these strategies this year. But they work so dang well. My students totally "get it". They are assigning alleles to pedigrees based on laws of inheritance. They figured out how to do this themselves, and they are ready for vocab next week.

It feels so nice to feel successful. Sucking at teaching was bringing me down, hard core.

The List Update

2012-01-06T14:02:00.000-08:00

4. Drink Echinacia Green Tea in December.

Ok, so it was organic throat coat tea. It made me warm on the inside. Totally counts.

5. Hike a day hike in Big Sur.

Fall Break was awesome. Me, The Dad, and The Dog headed out to Big Sur's Sykes Hot Springs. The Dog had the time of her life, Me and The Dad got really sore walking the 10 miles to the springs. Then soothed our aching muscles in the sulfuric water.

And The Dog only gave me a little bit of poison oak. So...super successful.

7. Live in Seaside with Sandra. Done. Nuff Said.

8. Stay in touch. Swap stories.

This may be my favorite of all of my entries on the list. Swapping stories on purpose has made me appreciate old friends and important relationships. Thanksgiving and Christmas break have been especially full of coffee and catching up. Thank you friends, for letting me in after all this time.

10. Spend a weekend on nothing but guilty pleasures.

Dollhouse, anyone? Thank you to Amanda for introducing me to another great story from Joss. Gotta love giving yourself permission to wake up, turn on netflix, only leave the couch to eat and pee, go to sleep, repeat. In another life, I could have totally been a video gamer.

12. Share stories with Dad on purpose.

See #8.

13. Make cookies, bread &/or pies.

Mixed berry pie. Like this one, but with frozen berries and ready-made crust and taken from a stained page from Mom's Betty Crocker cookbook she got as a wedding present. (Eaten on Dollhouse-weekend for maximum list-related goodness.)

Cookies. With a few changes: Instead of nuts, add a quarter cup of quick oats, which make the cookies turn out super soft. Also, use milk chocolate chips, not semi sweet. Lastly, add in some cinnamon. Enjoy with a scotch and water for maximum chocolate flavor goodness.

Seriously, try it. It's amazing.

15. Play Guitar. I'm learning alternate tunings.

17. Go see live music.

December was a blur of the rock-star lifestyle. Thanks to Annette for taking me to see Green Day, and The National.

18. Take The Dog running & to the dog park.

This was a regular routine until I discovered that Monterey is really, really cold in the pre-dawn. I'm hoping to start this back up in a couple of months when the sun comes back. Until then, it's walks to the beach on the weekend.

19. Find 5 "locals spots" in Monterey. Hang out at each of them 5 times.

This has been a challenge, as there's not too much "hanging out" in Seaside. So far I've found: The Alternative Cafe, Sanctuary Rock Gym, Noodle Bar, and La Tortuga*. Yum.

20. Teach The Dog 3 new tricks.

Tricks mastered: Sit, Down, Hips, Stay (1 minute, out of sight), Dance, Wait For Me To Open The Door, Stay In The Back Seat Of The Car, Wait For Me Quietly Outside The Coffee Shop, Drop (the ball), Where's Your Toy?, Tug, Fetch

Next Up: Stop Jumping, Stop Whining, Heel

21. Go on 3 overnight backpack trips.

One Down. See # 5.

23. Learn to love High School students.

Ok, this one is proving a challenge. But I can honestly say that though I will never love all High School Students, I do love Some High School Students. Like The Human Calculator in my math class. She was discussing changing schedules to a more advanced class, but then changed her mind because, "I wouldn't be able to help Michelle and Ann**." A Freshman concerned about other people? This girl is one in a million.

26. Take a road trip.

Road trip to Escondido! Not only did I get to hang out with and bond with The Brother, but we toured the Stone Brewing Company, Got a Tattoo, and had a deep talk with Amanda, who graciously let us stay at her house. Success!

27. Go rock climbing 12 times.

Currently at 6 times. For first year teaching, I think this qualifies as "pretty good".

Still to come:

Running a 10k.

Snowshoeing in the mountains.

Going to Yosemite. Climbing Half Dome.

Community Plays.

Sketching.

Massages.

Care Packages.

Bike Trips.

Are you someone who does one or some of these things? Would you like to adventure? How is your summer looking?

*As in: "I'm making a budget. Where does all my money currently go? ...Oh. It goes to La Tortuga."

**Fake Names, real statement.

Lessons from 2011

2012-01-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

1. Be Intentional.
"Find out who you are and do it on purpose." - Dolly Pardon

Companies are intentional - they spend the time and effort necessary to make it easy for you to consume their product. I should, in an ideal world, also spend the time and effort necessary to make it easy for me to do and be and use and contribute to the things I want to be about.

So far, this has meant:
- a budget (Holy Intentional, Batman!)
- cooking at home
- learning objectives and lesson planning
- weekly routines

More to come in 2011:
- better lesson planning
- framework and habits for staying in touch with friends (see lesson 2)

2. Community is important.
I feel that I am living through the consequences of a poor decision - moving to Monterey. I didn't know teachers spent so much time alone. I didn't realize I'd be so isolated in Seaside. I expected to find more community, and its lack is showing itself.

Jesus, I pray for community this next semester. I need it. We need it. It's tough without it.

3. Cooking is awesome.
It can be normal and delicious. I don't have to live on the edge of convenience store hunger. Awesome.

4. Consistency is more effective than harshness.
I've seen both, I've done both. I hope to be more consistent with my students next semester. Which leads to:

5. I should not teach High School.
Yes, we've confirmed this. Again. I'm pretty discouraged, don't like my job, and mostly feel incompetent at it. I'm turning into an unsatisfied and unpleasant person. I can't keep doing this but I don't know how to change it at this point in the year.

My goal is teaching Middle School next year. I hope that helps. I hope I'm not just deluding myself into thinking "the next thing will be better". I hope my not just remembering my amazing student teaching students and thinking all students are like that. I hope I feel better next year when I get a different job, but I have no control over that either.

Jesus, I need you to take care of me. I have an idea that I need to change grade levels, and I hope it's right. Mostly, I need you to change me. Please help me get through this next semester and move on.

6. Boyfriends who do not love Jesus are not worth it.
A larger issue of non-compatible boyfriends, I would also say. With Fitz, ultimately, I was unhappy for months (and so was he), he was always pushing my boundaries, and I did not want to be part of his family. Next boyfriend goes through friend-approval and gets prayed about. (And gets prayed with! How awesome would that be?)

So, on the very top of the list for the next one: Loves Jesus.

7. A walk with God is irreplaceable.
I thank God for giving me mononucleosis. Last year I was crazy busy, had next to no community, and my walk with God was dry as a desert. I remember getting an email from a few old friends with "life updates" and breaking down crying because I missed them, and more importantly, missed that time of my life. God had seemed present at that point in my life. I'd been waiting around to feel like that again for a very long while.

Then I got mono. I had to stop. Everything. I laid in bed for 3 weeks. Somehow, I'm not sure how, but God met me there. The sense of his presence returned. Thank you, Jesus, for not letting me live without that any longer.

Twas the Week Before Christmas

2011-12-24T08:48:00.000-08:00

Seeing ... Christmas. The decorations are up, and the lights are out. Candy Cane lanes are in full swing. (And btw, Rancho Cordova's lights look way better than Pacific Grove's.) Tanya and Doug even came down last weekend and experienced this scary robot nutcracker with me.

I've been seeing lots of santa-themed commercials lately while sitting down to knit last-minute gifts. You know, the ones where the Mom Of The Family is competing with Santa for the best gifts, then Santa gets completely befuzzled at the end of the commercial. It strikes me that Santa's omni-presence at Christmas is such a reflection of our culture. He's one of the only non-religious symbols of Christmas, so he can satisfy both the War on Christmas People and the I Don't Really Go In For Organized Religion people. And, best of all, he gives gifts. In our culture, that means shopping for gifts. As in Santa shops at Target - you should too!

This just seems wrong, For one, Santa makes his gifts. He works on them all year around, like how my Grandma does it. Neither Santa nor Grandma will be haunting the mall on the crabbiest shopping days of the year. I know this is how we do Christmas in America, but maybe let's do it differently. Let's be intentional, let's set out on January 1st to give/make gifts for our loved ones. One year, my church challenged us to commit to buying only fair trade gifts for Christmas - that was awesome. If only the fair trade people had as much airtime as the big-box retailers. That would be amazing.

Tasting ... Tortilla soup. My favorite part was frying up the tortillas that become the crispy chips you put on top. I've never made chips before. Who could have guessed that it's so easy?

Hearing ... Christmas music. Somehow, it doesn't bug me as much as it normally does. Maybe I'm in a better place, maybe there's less of it, maybe there's better quality.

Working ... on grades and knitting a few gifts. The grading program at school has been on the fritz (as has my motivation to do anything school-related), but I've been dutifully plugging away at it.

This is one of the first times I've knitted something for someone else. Usually, I'm a very selfish knitter: I made it, I wear it. If you want one, you should make it yourself. It's kind of a nice experience to craft something for someone else. It feels special.

Reading ... Facebook updates. My new phone arrived last Saturday (a christmas gift from Mom and Dad - thanks guys!). It's so addicting to check facebook every day, every hour, every minute.

Learning ... To teach. My students have been working on their finals, which were way too hard for them. I told them I'd curve the Biology final and my curve was set at 83%. Most students got somewhere in the 60's. I suppose that's what curves are for.

As always, I'm already thinking what will be different next time. Next semester, it's 50 questions, not 100. 50 focused questions. Ideally, taken from each of the tests leading up to it, not some random ones from another teacher that I feel I should use because the Biology department's supposed to have common assessments.

Dreaming ... of San Diego. The road trip is a go. The rental car is reserved, plans are being made. I can't wait for the sun. I can't wait to visit the zoo. I can't wait to hang out with Amanda for a whole week. I'm very excited.

Creating ... a semester of curriculum. Next semester, I want to be way more organized. No more of this deer-in-the-headlights, oh crap what are we doing tomorrow. If I can be focused on break, I'm planning all my labs, major assignments, and tests during break. Will plans change? Of course. Will this seem like a bad idea at the end of the semester? I'm sure - everything I try seems to need about 4 more revisions. But I'm starting somewhere, right?

Pondering... Now, normally, I'm kind of a scrooge about Christmas. I blame the long nights and cold days. This year, though, it all doesn't seem so bad. Which is nice - it bodes well for the coming winter. The past 3 winters have been hard times, lonely times, lost times, times I felt I was loosing my self. Thanks be to God for feeling normal instead.

Weekly Stories

2011-12-11T08:56:00.001-08:00

Seeing ... The ocean from my classroom and remembering that I live in a beautiful place.

Molly wag her tail every morning when I finally wake up. (To play with her, of course!)

The fog envelop the Monterey Peninsula, from the viewpoint of Cowell's beach in Santa Cruz yesterday.

Russian Orthodox church services. What an experience: almost 100% in Russian, in a completely ornate tiny church building. I stood in my spot not understanding a thing that was going on, watching the priest bless the Eucharist, studying the paintings on every section of ceiling. I was glad to check it out with my friend Tanya...from now on, I think I'll stick to churches in English.

More friends! Thank you Ryan and Tanya, for brunch at Amy's Cafe.

Hearing ... More concerts! Last weekend, it was The National and Iron & Wine. This weekend, it was Not So Silent Night, a radio station concert I watched from the nosebleeds of the Oracle Arena. Mumford and Sons were amazing, as were Florence and the Machine. The best part about this show? When one of their acts had to cancel, and were replaced with slightly older versons of these guys. My thanks to Annette for a great show and for going to so much music with me. You support my live music addiction.

Tasting ... Lentils & Rice with Ginger Sesame Sauce; Quinoa with Kale and Veggie Sausage; Friend Rice; and Pesto Pasta. Fresh Fruit all week for snacks at work. Inspired by my hippie friends Ryan and Kat, I tried cooking at home this week, and completely loved it. I am so proud of my eating habits this week. Seriously, I never eat this well.

Working ... On a budget. I know, it's crazy that I don't have one, right? My hippie friends Ryan and Kat again inspired me with their simple life and intentional ways. Their food-on-a-budget scheme worked so well for me that I'm expanding it this week to life-on-a-budget.

It's hard work! What do I spend money on and what should I spend money on? boils down to What is important and what isn't important? I feel both vastly behind on this project and like I'm ahead of the game for the first time in a long while.

Reading ... Romans.

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Learning ... To teach in not-my-classroom. Me and my students have been in the library this week, as my classroom is a cool 52 degrees and the library is toasty. We need the warmth! The change of place, however, means re-training students for a new environment. They're at tables instead of desks; there's no "front of the class", there's nothing posted that belongs to only our classes. I am learning how much each of these things really helps me and helps them.

Creating ... Google Docs and organization schemes. My classroom is horribly disorganized. I get so embarrassed by how often I loose student's papers! (Granted: 10-ish/195 for a whole semester is a pretty good average, but still. I want it down to 0/195.) I've been creating organization schemes for next semester. Starting next semester, I'm going to have a turn-in box! A Pass-Back Papers Box! A File of Old Copies! A Procedure for Make Up Work! A Crate For Extra Tests! All My Labs Organized! More Materials In My Room!

Yes, these are grand schemes, which may take me more than the allotted one teacher work day over break. We'll see.

I also have been creating Google Docs for all my teaching documents: tests, handouts, worksheets, etc. I really want to use this for all of them -- I'll keep it with me and be able to search for all my docs when I get back next year. I have a dream of creating all my lesson plans for the next quarter over the break, using & showing them in class, and posting them online. If I can be this awesome, it will totally rule. Right now, we're in the planning phase.

Dreaming ... Of a kick-ass vacation out of the country. I put vacation savings in the budget. So now I get to daydream about where I will go in a couple years. I'm thinking Taize in France or a backpack trip through Peru. I've heard good things about these places.

Pondering... An Intentional Life. In creating the budget, I've been looking at my bank statements and asking, "Where did I spend all my money?" I quickly discovered that, if I eat out all the time, my money goes to La Tortuga instead of the things I value, like to my church or to saving for camping equipment. I didn't think about where it was all going, so of course it went to random snacks when I was hungry.

It's stressful to write a budget. What if I fail? What if I can't get by on that? Holy crap, how come the expenses I've been spending are greater than my income? However, it was pointed out to me that the beauty of a budget is you get to think about where the money goes, you get to spend it on something you think is important. If I save for a vacation, I know that I'll get to go on a kick-ass vacation in a few years. If I save for a car, I know that I'll be able to comfortably buy a car in a few years.

I know this must be obvious to everyone else who's been doing budgets, but it amazed me that I hadn't thought like this. I just kinda hoped that I'd be able to save a pot of money at the end of the month and then blow it all on something cool. That's like how my students study - they just kinda hope they remember something. Of course that didn't work.

So after the stress has gone down, I'm still thinking What do I think is important? What do I want to make sure my money is used for? What will I make sure I have incorporated into the logistics of my life?

Which raises the larger question of intentional living. What is important in my life? If delicious food is of value, I should make it on a regular basis. If keeping in touch with my friends even though we live far apart is of value, I should write stories on my blog and call them. If my dog is valuable, I should take her on more walks and watch a little less TV. I'm pondering what I want to do and what I actually do and how to budget my activities as well as my money.

I'm also pondering how to do this a little at a time so it sticks. I know me - I get overwhelmed quite easily. So for this week, it's cooking food and sticking to a budget.

Stories from the front.

2011-12-03T08:58:00.001-08:00

Seeing ... the ocean from my classroom's patio. Taking lots of little moments to breathe in the ocean air and wash my eyes in the blue horizon.

The candles dance at the foot of the cross during Taize.

Hearing ... "Heavy Metal Monday" in the coffee shop where I finished up my grading last night. That's right, on Friday. :)

The wind sweep around this week.

A local show right around the corner from my house. Walking Molly the other night, I saw a group of people congregating around my local coffee shop. "What's going on tonight?", I asked. Turns out, it was live music: a band that reportedly had just sold out the Great American Music Hall in SF. And for $5? Awesome.

And that's how Molly went to her first rock-and-roll concert.

Tasting ... Delicious pasta with Ryan and Kat, my hippie friends. They are so cool - unlike me, they plan what they will cook and cook all the time. And they eat good - they have black beans and rice with soy sauce, garlic, and ginger; stir-fry with kale; eggs and pancakes for breakfast.

Last night over dinner, they shared their food planning process with me. I loved hearing Kat talk about the different types of vegetables she prepares. Her eyes light up when she's talking about cooking.

I'm so inspired to eat delicious things like they do -- I barely ever cook. So this morning, I'm off to the grocery store. Hopefully, next week's "tasting" will be amazing.

Working ... too hard in a classroom that is too cold. It's been a hard week to come back to work. Neither I nor the kiddos very much felt like being at school this week, and when teenagers don't want to do something, they really don't want to do something. It was rough this week, to say the least.

Add to that the temperature of the classrooms at our school site. My room's temperature peaked this week at about 62 degrees. My hands were purple Tuesday. They cramped up from the cold while I was trying to imput grades into the computer. By Thursday, one of the muckity-mucks in our district had apparently heard the general outcry for heat and sent portable radiators, one for each classroom. He also sent a nice email explaining how this one radiator was a temporary fix until the school's boiler could be fixed "in a few months' time."

This temporary fix promptly blew the fuses to my classroom, leaving me with nothing but lights. That's right. Now I had no heat, no projector AND no document camera. Thanks.

Reading ... The Big Over Easy by Jasper Fforde. And lots of students' papers.

Learning ... Wow, did I really not learn anything this week? I suppose that has to happen sometime.

Creating ... A jigsaw on mitosis for my students. Friday, one of the few days that felt like it went well this week, I gave the first jigsaw to my students.* I can't believe it's taken me so long to implement one of these types of lessons -- I just didn't think of doing it! Last year as a cohort, we did a jigsaw almost every week, it seems like. I looked forward to them: we worked as a group to solve a puzzle together, each person brought an important piece of knowledge to the group. It just seemed normal, which, I suppose, was the point of us doing them so often.

It's scary creating a lesson from scratch. You never know if it will totally fly or fall really flat. And after a whole week of whiny, disengaged, un-motivated students, I knew it would be one or the other.

My students, though, took to the group work like peanut butter on jelly. It was nice managing them by reminding them to turn around and talk to each other, instead of my usual "turn around and be quiet". Of course, they weren't on task the whole time, but many of my students did much better than I would have expected. Almost all of my students were able to tell me that mitosis was how cells reproduced, and more than half cited the example of a body growing and needing new cells. This is something that I don't think I could have pounded into their heads.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when research-based techniques actually do what they're supposed to, but sometimes it feels surprising when anything works. This lesson I am totally keeping for next year.

Dreaming ... Of my two (!) concerts this weekend. I have had tickets to see The National and Iron & Wine for a few months now, and I am so excited that this weekend is finally here.

Pondering... New York. The city has come up in conversation so many times this week. From the couple I met at Thursday's show to Natalie's brother telling stories of his time there, it makes me want to go there! Like, for real. How have I not experienced this city yet?

In fact, if college-me talked to now-me, I think she would be surprised that I haven't lived there yet. That I haven't lived many other places yet. How have I just stayed around my 2 hometowns: Santa Cruz and Davis? Am I more of a homebody than I think I am?

Thankful for... my community group. I led our bible study this week, and (of course) I made it an inductive study. I'm thankful that they went for it and totally jumped in. I'm thankful that we got to share how the word was affecting us and pray together.

*Students leave their "home group" for an "expert group". Each expert group learns one piece of the overall lesson, in this case one phase of mitosis. Then, when they return to their home group, the students can combine their knowledge together to figure out the whole puzzle.

Thanksgiving Break

2011-11-26T22:34:00.001-08:00

Seeing ... Old friends! I am so happy I got to swap stories with Kristiina, Silly Doodah, and Samia! When I was young, I used to envy people who had childhood friends that they'd grown up with. Now I realize that I have some of those people of my own. It filled my soul to drink coffee and swap stories with some of my oldest friends.

It amazes me that Kristiina and Silly Doodah have both been married for over a year now. They are matched so well, and I am so happy for them. Even though they told me how their first years of marriage were frustrating at times, their eyes lit up when talking about their husbands and the futures they would have together. I once asked someone I trust if it's worth it to get married. I can see in these two lovely ladies that it totally is.

Hearing ... Molly (the dog) whine at me to play and cuddle all the time. I like my dog. Either she likes me back or she needs a walk.

And yes, I totally "get" the Justin Farren lyric, "Your pets are all retarded, you only like them because they're yours." Molly is sort of dumb sometimes, but still totally awesome.

Tasting ... Smoked turkey made by my Uncle David. It was a smaller gathering for Thanksgiving this year: no grandparents (grandma's still recovering from a recent fall), just 3 sets of uncles & aunts, 5 cousins, even my brother was visiting elsewhere. With less people, there was actually more people to talk with, more to talk about. My cousin's new baby, my other cousin's upcoming wedding, my other cousin's girlfriend who he brought down from Chicago. (Why are all my cousins so settled? It made me feel like I don't have my life together. Maybe the reason I dressed up and talked about teaching is that's the part of my life that seems like it's going somewhere right now.)

Working ... or not! I'm not totally looking forward to going back to work next week. I've got a lot of preparation to do.

I keep comparing this week off to my Fall Break in early October. This break was much more lazy. I was watching movies this time; last time I went hiking for a week with my Dad in Big Sur. I hardly thought about work at all, soaking in my hometown, old friends, and recovering from my first cold of the season. Last time, I thought about (and dreaded) going back to work during the entire hike. This has to represent progress, right? At least in the confidence department, I know that I've grown. I can handle the work now.

Reading ... The Hunger Games. On Wednesday, I started on the second book of the trilogy. I was almost set to go to sleep around 10:30, when Cinna's dress exploded and transformed into a Mockingjay. After that, I could not put down the nook. I finished the 3rd book at 7:30am and finally slept, completely satisfied.

Learning ... My duties as a big sister. I've been nagging my brother this week. I hope he knows that it's because I care.

Creating ... online dating profiles? Well, I plan to with my friend Natalie.

(Maybe it's the holidays and old married friends and young married cousins, but it seems everywhere I look, people are paired up. Since I just moved this August, I'm still finding my place, my community, my friendships. I hate admitting that I want a boy too, but I suppose it's the truth.)

Apparently, Natalie's brother is good at making profiles that get people to meet with you. Seems mostly fun, and only a little embarrassing.

Dreaming ... strange dreams. Back in our duplex, Sandra's visiting family woke me up, and as I slept, their Spanish conversations worked their way into my dreams.

Pondering... a different tattoo design. The Ichthus Fish. So I'll look as cool as this guy. :)

Thankful for... My washer and dryer! And my parents who hauled them all the way down to Monterey and set them up for me! I don't think I would have had the umph, to do all of those steps without distraction. After getting these set up, I was inspired to finally finish unpacking some of the books and the shelves in the living room. Now it feels like home.

Having some overlap to swap stories with my roommate before she took off for home again. She loves her family so much, and they love her.

Being able to be the voice of "don't panic!" in my friends' first year out of college. I remember those times - what a hard transition!

A restful week at home. I am so grateful for how my folks took care of me when I got sick while visiting home (again!).

A great night.

2011-11-19T07:51:00.001-08:00

Friday Stories (Regular Updates? What IS this?!)

2011-11-19T00:09:00.001-08:00

Here's this week's stories:

Seeing ... double. I'm so tired, my eyes are closing as I type. My apologies for typos.

Hearing ... the heater click on in my house. It's been so cold lately, and our heater is incredibly loud...The clacking of 10-keys as I submitted grades this week... my bike squeaking (it needs some lube).

Tasting ... Subsidized student lunch. I forgot mine today, and broke down and bought the cafeteria food. I suppose it's good to eat what students eat, at least sometimes, for a sense of solidarity. Student food is not tasty by my adult standards. For example, today I ate a ham sandwich with mayonnaise and american cheese. The salad consisted of shredded lettuce and pickles. It made me ponder all the student lunch reforms going on lately. I'm thankful for it, because I'm sure it could be so much worse. Too many of my students live off of free or reduced lunch -- the food the school provides is the food they eat.

Working ... on a Jigsaw activity for Mitosis and Meiosis. Students leave their group to study one of the phases in "expert groups", then bring that information back to their "home group". Each student's expert knowledge is needed to form the final conclusion: What is the point of Mitosis?

I hope that it takes my students to a deeper level of understanding; many of my students seemingly cannot break themselves away from copying "the right answer". Others struggle with using any new vocabulary or new concepts in their responses. I hope that using cooperative learning strategies and open-ended questions will help them grasp the overall point. We'll see how it goes.

Reading ... The Big Over Easy by Jasper Fforde. Simply delightful. Full of puns. Read it.

Learning ... I am learning that I am not meant to be quite so alone for quite so much of the time. I wake up and go running alone, teach a bunch of 15-year-olds (students I've bonded with, sure, but definitely not peers), ride home alone, cuddle with Molly the Dog alone, read alone, and sleep alone.

Last weekend, I decided on a whim to bike into Santa Cruz, a good 50 miles away. Within the hour, I had plans to meet up with 5 old friends. It filled my soul (and broke down my body). I'm learning that I need some new friends in town.

Creating ...  A week off full of friends and family I've been texting, planning, and making to-do lists. I can't wait to visit my brother's favorite whisky bar, go hiking with my Dad. take my mom out to coffee, watch Twilight with Annette, walk my dog to the park by the river, visit my favorite out-of-town coffee shop, mingle with folks from my home church, attempt to fix my computer, and rest and relax. I didn't realize that it would be so good to be back.

Dreaming ... Of having a washer in my very own home. It will be so convenient. I'm sure I will never run out of clothes. (Yeah, right!)

Pondering... Romans 5:9-11 "Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

I'm also pondering orthodox and protestant theology. My small group studied Romans 5 this week. My brother told me some time ago that in Orthodoxy, there is no "sin debt", that they don't think of Jesus' death on the cross as something that served as a substitutional punishment. I think this is beautiful - focusing on Jesus' love instead of God's wrath. However, I don't understand how they come to that conclusion, what with verses like Romans 4:25 running around the Holy Scriptures: "He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification." Am I missing something? Am I just interpreting these verses as I already thought they should be interpreted?

Also pondering Paul's argument earlier in Romans that all people are exposed to a knowledge of God through creation: "What may be known about God is plain to [all], because God has made it plain to them. ²⁰ For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."

How can this be true? For the past 2 weekends, I've spoken with 2 atheist friends. Both cited nature as an inspiration for their lives and beliefs. One explicitly told me that "science saved him from religion". I've never had an issue reconciling creationism and evolution, but for them it seems to. What I do have an issue reconciling is that, according to Paul, the very nature that my atheist friends cite as a reason to not believe was supposed to expose them to the truth. Sigh. It's very confusing.

Thankful for... being home with my family.

For being single. I was talking about my ex-boyfriend with my Dad on the drive here. It felt great to vent.

For waking up to music.

For my dog. Decidedly too big to cuddle, she shoves her body onto your lap anyway.

Fall colors. Monterey seems to have fog instead of seasons. The leaves that mark the season, it seems, migrated to Sac.

Community Group. My small group is small - 6 people. I will miss them this week while I'm out of town.

Friday Stories

2011-11-11T21:49:00.001-08:00

Seeing ... The full moon set over monterey bay as the sun rises behind me on my morning runs. The pink tint of the moon and the orange light reflecting off the clouds made Seaside look like another planet. Did you see it?

Daylight savings has meant that my morning runs take place in the morning, not the pre-dawn darkness. While I loved the stars, there is something truly satisfying about running to the top of a hill to see the 360 degree panorama. Del Rey Canyon stretches out to the southeast, the Monterey Bay to the West, & Seaside, my little town, is all laid out before me.

Hearing ... A lot of mess at my school. Between 3 different announcements to "continue to be vigilant" about taking cell phones and keep students in class and for hall monitors to be "on their walkie talkies today" and a agenda meeting about how the office is dealing with a few gang students, it makes me wonder what the heck is happening behind the scenes. It breaks my heart that my students have to deal with such issues -- For the overwhelming majority of the time, I don't see it.

Tasting ... Wine at Pierce. My community group's leader works there when she not writing her book on bacteriophages. Sandra, Natalie, her brother, and I went out to see the open mike there on Thursday. It's adorable: a tiny house just off Cannery Row converted into a tasting room. Sitting in what was once a living room with congenial people and talented musicians (and a few that were not-so-good, of course...), I sipped a white wine variety I've never heard of. It was a great Thursday.

After that, we all went to Salsa night. We decided we needed to commit and come to the lesson next time. :)

Working ... and starting to burn out. It was stressful this week. I'm grateful for a 4-day week and Thanksgiving to look forward to.

Reading ... Cosmopolitan. Sandra gets the subscription. I looked down my nose at it when it first arrived. Because honestly, it doesn't tell you anything you don't already know. ...Really? A first kiss should be soft and sweet, not super aggressive? I could never have figured that one out. Thanks, Cosmo. But, heaven help me, if there is something read-able in this house, I will read it.

Last night, I finally forwarded my Outside magazine and Time magazine. I hope my brain will recover. :)

Learning ... That, still, I am much harder on myself than others are. My co-worker observed my teaching this week, and had overwhelmingly positive remarks for a lesson I would consider to be pretty hum-drum.

I get ambitious when planning lessons. And when my moody, 15-year-old students have lack-luster attitudes, it gets me down. I must learn to accept that this will be how they are, that I am doing all I can & that that needs to be enough.

Creating ... well, thinking of creating some new gloves. I seem to make these every year, and lose them during the warm seasons. This year, that's not surprising. I had 2.5 major moves in the past 12 months. These gloves are warm, keep my knuckles warm, and just might be professional enough to wear in class. What do you think? (My classroom is about 55 degrees, so I need something.)

Dreaming ... of a washer/dryer for my clothes. My dad said he'd help me find one during Thanksgiving week. It's a pain to get to the laundromat without a car.

I'm also dreaming of San Diego with my brother. He said if he can figure out the money, we'd take a road trip down there. I would love somewhere sunny during Christmas. The sun is necessary! The sun is happiness! The sun feeds my soul!

Last time I was in SD, I saw May flowers - desert blooms in Julian & Anza Borrego State Park. I hope it will be as awesome this time.

Pondering... Cars and credit cards. I'm still trying to figure out if I will purchase one. I hate monthly payments and debt to the depth of my soul, but transportation issues (especially out of town trips) are becoming something I constantly think about.

Thankful for... Warm running clothes. I just got them this week, after freezing my butt off on Monday. The sun may be back in the morning, but the air is still wet and incredibly cold. Today's long run was much more comfortable with tights.

Sundaybook?

2011-11-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

Just a bit of silliness, one of my favorite bloggers, regularly posts these promps as a Thursdaybook. In an effort to post more regular updates, I'm stealing these verbs.

Seeing ... All of my students' cell projects. They really pulled out the stops on this one.

Hearing ...Pandora. I lost my charger to my iPod a couple weeks ago, and about a year ago, my music collection on my iTunes started winking out of existence a few songs at a time. I don't know how it happens, but my favorite songs seem to be the first to go! Re-discovering internet radio and having music in my life again has been lovely this week.

Tasting ...Scotch and water. That is 12-year-old single malt scotch, thank you. With homemade cookies inspired by a visit of an old friend. Thanks, Matt, for suggesting the combination! What is fall without fresh cookies?

Working ... A lot. Planning and grading and materials...how can I keep it all straight? Any thoughts on materials management? Getting it all acquired and organized is an ongoing struggle. Last week, I realized that I was planning on giving a test, and had no copies, and the copiers were all jammed that morning. This week, I want to do a lab that needs about a bazillion ping-pong balls and egg cartons, and I haven't gotten either together. Logistics + slightly ADHD teacher = epic fail.

Reading ... Dragonriders of Pern. I read it as a child, and re-reading it takes me back. It's hard to believe that I ever had such bad taste in books! Now I can't start reading anything without looking for cultural context, subtext, implications, author's intentions, and alternative interpretations (...thank you UCSC literature department.) But as a kid, I just got hooked on the story. It's nice to take time to "read simply" again. :)

Learning ... That even when my students have a bad day, I can have a good one. My students were full of misbehavior this week, but I still responded well, learned from it, changed my tactics the next time. It makes me think I am actually improving as a teacher.

Creating ... time on the weekends by finishing most work at work (for once!). This is two weekends in a row I've had recreation and relaxation on the weekends. How did that happen?

Also, I've been cooking. I suppose the sudden cold snap and wet weather brings out the domesticity. Three dinners this past week, and plans for more next week.

Dreaming ... of healthy and warm suppers. Of soups, of pasta, of salad.

Pondering... How I will change the cell project next time around. Just having my students make a cell and name all the parts and sit through a bunch of presentations of other people's cells was not the best learning experience ever. They still don't know what the organelles do, and a large number of my students just didn't do the projects. Some students' parents clearly did the projects instead of the students. (For example, the disheveled & unorganized 9th grader with illegible handwriting who came in with a perfect cake in a cake-tupperware and brought forks and plates for the whole class. With his mom making his project, how does that help him learn about cells?)

Next time, we're doing the cell projects in class. I'm asking for donations for modeling clay and that way no one will miss the points because they can't get to the store or afford materials (I've heard several students cite this as an issue). Next time, they're making a key/legend to the cell with the functions of each organelle. Next time, we're doing a gallery walk instead of presentations. Next time, students will grade their peer's projects themselves instead of me grading them one at a time as they do presentations. Next time we do presentations, my students are getting the rubric, expectations, and practice time much further in advance.

Oh, doing projects for the first time. So much to learn!

Thankful for... cultivation of community. At this point, 3 months into my tenure in Monterey, I feel I have more friends and, more than that, more community, than I did after a year in Sacramento. I feel so thankful for living in a place I seem to fit. Yes, there are changes I'm planning for next year, but even this year, I have a community group, I have old friends near by, I have people coming to visit, I have a neighbor that I can roast marshmallows with and borrow a couple of eggs from. I was so lonely last year.

I feel like the Israelites entering the promised land: "For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills." Thanks for a good land.

Learning

2011-11-05T00:33:00.000-07:00

As the cold snapped this week and the darkness lingers, I've enjoyed Orion in the mornings and missed the sun. I suppose it's always a trade-off of some sort.

The adventure that is "First Year Teaching" continues trading off. I've realized a bond with some students; still learning to deal with others. Planning has become more automatic; though there's always one more thing to get done every week. The break-up lingers (Why do I find myself annoyed at someone I no longer have to talk to?); though the community is growing (Natalie came with me to a high-school haunted house last week - how cool is she?). I need all the vacation I can get, catching myself just staring into space at the end of the week.

The 27 in 27 list has helped remind me to do things that will make me happy. 8 down so far. Last weekend was #9: Spend a weekend on nothing but guilty pleasures. (Oh dime-novel sci-fi, how I <3 thee!) I'm determined to tip winter in favor of the trade-offs this year with #4: Drink Echinacia Tea, # 1: Go to Yosemite in the snow, and # 25: Snowshoe in the mountains. Tonight I'm snuggling in a warm hat.

Stay warm, friends :)

27 in 27

2011-09-12T19:07:00.001-07:00

1. Go to Yosemite in the Snow

2. Go to Yosemite in the fall or spring.

3. Climb Half Dome with Sandra

~~4. Drink Echinacia Green Tea in December.~~

~~5. Hike a day hike in Big Sur.~~

6. Go on an overnight bike trip.

~~7. Live in Seaside with Sandra.~~

8. Stay in touch. Swap stories with:

- Tanya Mancheno

- Kim Sparks

- Dawn Wright

- Ryan Hunter

- Ryan Brother

- Elspie Hamilton

- Annette Hutter

~~9. Make French Toast and Mamosas for brunch with friends.~~

~~10. Spend a weekend on nothing but guilty pleasures.~~

11. Send 2 care packages - To Ryan (brother) and to a friend.

12. Share stories with Dad on purpose.

~~13. Make cookies, bread &/or pies.~~

14. Sketch a picture

15. Play Guitar.

16. Go to a community play.

~~17. Go see live music.~~

~~18. Take Molly running & to the dog park.~~

~~19. Find 5 "locals spots" in Monterey.~~ Hand out at each of them 5 times.

~~20. Teach Molly 3 new tricks.~~

21. Go on 3 overnight backpack trips. (one down!)

22. Do a 10k running race.

23. Learn to love High School students.

24. Get 2 professional massages.

25. Snowshoe in the mountains.

~~26. Take a road trip.~~

27. Go rock climbing 12 times.

2011-07-05T13:53:00.001-07:00

Facts:

I love the ocean.

I love Santa Cruz.

I have been homesick for Santa Cruz for months now.

I am in this weird transition state with no job yet, no housing yet, no community yet. (See picture.)

I applied to a job in Santa Cruz.

I hope I can live there again.

Enjoying Seattle.

2011-06-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

The flip sides.

2011-06-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to focus on complaints. I will limit myself to 5, and attempt to counterbalance with thanks.

Complaints:

1. Even though you are ansy, you have to listen to when people say "no". Stop trying to make people do things. (PS - That means other people have to listen to your "no's" too. Why do you feel so obligated to do things for other people?)

2. I procrastinate too much.

3. There are a lot of unknowns in the future. It freaks me out.

4. I spent too much money.

5. I hate job-hunting.

Thankful for:

1. Molly!

2. The ocean breeze.

3. A home to come back to.

4. Photos of the good times.

5. Seattle!

Thankful Monday

2011-06-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

1. A new haircut. My head feels free.

2. My dog is awesome. I'm glad to be back and playing with her.

3. No need to freak out because of finances. Yes, I need to find work for the summer, but it isn't an emergency. (And in these hard times, it easily could be.)

4. Plans to visit old friends this summer.

5. Late sunsets. Long days make my soul happy.

A weekend away

2011-06-11T23:41:00.001-07:00

A friend's wedding shower in LA, taking the opportunity to visit old friends. It's a time of change. The wedding events mark the passing of a period of life, the transition into a new one, the changing of my friend's life.

I'm realizing how much change is happening in my life and how much it's freaking me out. I have a boyfriend (for the first time ever), a teaching credential (for the first time ever), a career of sorts (for the first time ever). I'm done with the monumentous project of getting a teaching credential program. Now, I'm left with the questions about the future. Where will I live? Where will I work? What will I do? Who will be my community? What will my life be like? What about Fitz? These are questions that I've been putting off addressing. There's a lot of what-ifs.

I'm also realizing that being freaked out and procrastinating isn't helping me any. If I get a job far away, I will either be lonely or make friends. Same thing if I get a job close. If I move away from Fitz, we will either stay together or not. Same thing if I get a job close to him. If I move or if I stay, I'll either like it or I won't. I cannot control any of these things by worrying.

Oh, worrying. My essential sin. It always comes back for me, like an old friend. My Jesus, I am sorry. I know that you have a good plan for me. I hope that I have a closer relationship with you next year. It's been lonely and dry this year, and I miss Christian community. Please help me get a job, but most of all, please help me to turn to you instead of procrastination and avoidance. I hope that I can follow you.

Btw, readers, have you heard the serenity prayer all the way through? It's beautiful:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I miss outside.

2011-03-12T00:25:00.000-08:00

Sigh. Remember the woods? the mountains? rocks? the cold air that freezes your nose at night? campfires? the mosquitoes? going to bed at dusk? snow? climbing granite cliffs? how the sky opens opens up when you reach the ridgeline?

I've almost forgotten. I feel like my outdoorsy-ness got swallowed up by student teaching this quarter. How could this happen? This quarter has been so rough. I can't take another one like that.

The next one has to be better, right?

Right?

A lot has happened

2011-02-21T16:13:00.000-08:00

I've always wondered why people go through the hassle of being in a relationship. With all that can (and commonly does) go wrong, with all the BS someone else can put you through, with all the lack of freedom, what makes it worth it?

What can I say? I get it now.

Or, to put it a different way, he makes me happy.

Getting away and plugging away.

2010-11-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

I'm officially in love.

With Yosemite.

For the long weekend, I went up to visit with a good friend, climbed my first multi-pitch route, talked about feelings and self-help psychology, remembered the good life that is unique to outdoor ed.

It's interesting to me that, in visiting my friends with these crazy outdoor jobs, I keep realizing that I'm really glad I'm not stuck there anymore. I loved them while I had them, but now I'm learning so much in my "school-teacher gig", that I wouldn't give it up. (Not even to live in Yosemite!)

I did realize that I don't like living in Sacto. It is so not my scene. (Sorry suburbia, it's not you, it's me.) Seeing hippies and the contentment they feel thriving in their natural habitat reminded me that I am not living in my natural habitat. Someday soon, I hope.

In the meantime, I'm plugging along here. As Ghandi said, "Most things in life you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do them anyway." I feel both paradigms quite clearly at the moment.

Puppies and things

2010-10-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

Student teaching is very busy. Everyone says it, but sometimes I count up the amount of time I spend in a day thinking about teaching or teaching or studying teaching techniques or doing lesson plans. It could be 90% of my waking life if I let it be.

One of my cohort-mates might be dropping the program. He was freaking out about it tonight in class. A few of us stayed after to try to give him some support. The fact is, this stuff is hard. And our professor holds us to a really high standard. I like it, cause it makes me get better, but I can see how it could lead to a break-down.

Things I am proud of:
- climbing twice a week, even while in this program.
- going to CSTA and having a great time
- doing my own lesson plan for the first time this week
Things that were not my doing, but that I like about my life:
- I hang out with Annette a lot. I enjoy having a good friend.
- my hometown church is still awesome. It took me a while to figure that one out.
- the fall is here and the heat finally broke.
- I sleep with my window open and can feel the breeze on my face.

In other news, I want a puppy. I'm trying to hold out for summer, so I will have some time to actually train the thing.

Bike Ride Win!

2010-09-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was the Tour de Sprout, a bike ride through Oakland and the surrounding area to support the New Hope Preschool.

The highlights:

- visiting Ryan and Mel! It was so fun to catch up with them and see them in their natural habitat: life together in Oakland.

- Riding the beefy 70-mile bike ride! When I hit the sign that said "Welcome to Freemont", that's when I knew how badass we are.

- Riding back to Sacramento on a completely random route: through the delta. How long have I been living in the Sacto area and I've never been there before? I tell ya, this river of ours is beautiful.

Sick as a dog...

2010-09-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

Oh, geez. I'm sick again. This marks three times since the beginning of the school year. And I have a paper due tomorrow.

My brother's gonna get me a free flu shot, and it cannot come soon enough.

Mid-Week Recharge

2010-08-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

An evening watching Pride & Prejudice with my mom. It's the perfect antidote to a busy week, stressing out, and not knowing how to organize all my random assignments and due dates. I'm starting to remember that feeling in my back that came with college. (Mainly, the feeling that I need a massage.) Breathe in, breathe out.

Yosemite this weekend was great. I totally rocked it, climbing half of the Matterhorn and all of Dana point. I was completely in my happy place, I had missed the back country. Me and Mom have decided that, after my first year of teaching, we'll go to the UK to the Peak District where Pride & Prejudice was filmed. I can't wait.

Pictures of Tuolomne soon. :)

Don't I look teacher-y?

2010-08-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

The goal: Stop stressing out about things that don't matter.
The issue: Now if I could just figure out what matters and what doesn't. Ha.

The other goal: Find community.
The issue: The lonely period of moving in is just starting to hit me. I'm realizing that it's not just a long weekend at home -- I'm actually based here now, in Rancho. Very strange.

I loved it last night when Annette told me she was proud of me for going back to school to get my Master's degree. That's when I realized that she was right - that I am a grad student, not just some weirdo who hangs out at the local middle school all day with no clear objective. (Although, until I get some answers as to what specifically I'm supposed to be doing, that is also true.)

I'm getting excited about this. I can't wait until I start actually teaching content!

However, if I turn into one of those people who always talks about how their student teaching, just slap me, okay? Cause those people are annoying, and I could see myself becoming one of those people pretty easily.

Back from the trip, on to the next thing

2010-08-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so obviously, the trip was beautiful. The full album is on my facebook.

It's been a whirlwind since I've been back. I've painted my room, unpacked, went back-to-school shopping, donated a crapton of my stuff to goodwill, and started at my student teaching placement.

So today was the first day of my student teaching. So very different than hiking through the woods. I am so tired, and so happy to be dashing off to Annette's house to watch Don Draper. And I can't wait to start actually interacting with the kids, and knowing what I'm supposed to be doing, not just observing silently - bleh!

In the past few weeks, I've also managed to go climbing, had two friends visit, went to a wedding (Yay Dawn!), and decided that the social scene in Rancho is less than fulfilling. I'll need to find new friends soon.

PS - I love James:

"Perseverance must finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:4

Life Update

2010-06-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

I'm officially freaking out. Here are some of the changes coming up in my life. They seem very big and scary right now -- I wonder how significant they will turn out to be?

Pacific Crest Trail!
This July, I'm going to be hiking the Pacific Crest Trail from Mt. Whitney to Lake Tahoe. I am very excited about hiking with my friend & ex-coworker, Kim Sparks. I'm sure it will kick our butts, but I'm also sure it will be an amazing experience. I'm hoping to see God's beauty in nature in a new way during this transition space between Santa Cruz and....

UC Davis!
I'm finally going back to school this fall at UC Davis' Masters in Education/Teaching Credential program. I am super stoked about student teaching at Mills Middle School in my hometown of Rancho Cordova, as I've volunteered there and helped out with their Math & Science Camp 2 years in a row. Those kids are crazy, and I love them. I also love my advisor for my teaching credential program, who seems very down-to-earth, practical, and pumped up about teaching.

Kudos go to my mom for buying me a Mills sweatshirt. Extra kudos go to my mom for being fully aware of its ugliness and never expecting me to wear it. :)

Moving Back to Rancho!
I will be moving back to my hometown of Rancho Cordova in August to start my student teaching. It's going to be an interesting transition to say the least, as I'll be living with my parents. I hope that starting school, student teaching, finding a church, making friends, and climbing and biking while re-adjusting to life in my hometown will not be too much.

However, I am inspired by my friend Elspie, who, after going through many intense changes in her life this past year, recently told me that she was just going to relax. This is my resolution as well, so if you see me freaking out, just remind me of that, okay?

If I haven't seen you in a long while, I hope to see you again soon! If I have seen you recently, thank you for your patience, as I'm sure this stuff is all I've been talking about for a while. :)

2010-03-14T01:39:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it. I submitted my statement of intent to register to UCD.

I started reading "Transitions" today, and it was comforting.

I am loving the bike, loving not having to ride up and down the hill in the cold and rain, loving Santa Cruz, and loving having nights off, loving climbing at Pacific Edge. I am getting used to my work, getting used to planning social times, getting used to the idea of change. I am missing my old coworkers, missing the night sky, missing being in touch with the forest. (Though I have not lost my woods-y sense of directions. Last week I discovered a short cut from behind my apartment to graham hill road through the trees.)

Things that are important.

2010-01-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

Vintage is doing this "Shalom" series, subtitles "Reclaiming a life of peace and wholeness." At first, I thought that "reclaiming" was too strong of a word, connotating too much effort or willpower in the process of peace. But each sermon has related directly to events happening in each of my weeks, and I'm seeing that "reclaiming" probably isn't even a strong enough word to describe this process.

There was the sermon on business in life and how Americans feel either busy and overwhelmed or bored and lifeless. And how the stress makes us feel like we're part of something important, but really, we're just busy. And how Jesus' purpose is something bigger, and it's worth paying attention to every day.

Then I went home. Then something happened that hasn't for probably 7 years and it made me re-examine what I grew up in. And then I had to talk to the perpetrator about it. I couldn't think about anything else for a few days, and I shook when I tried to talk to them. And that's when God had the sermon "Peace in Relationships" all ready for me with a bow on top. So I thought some more, and prayed some more, freaked out a little, and talked to them again. It went a lot better than I thought it would. (Somehow, they always go better than I think they will, but I always expect them to be like they were in the beginning.)

Now, I've just gotten a temp job that is supposed to last till June. Perfect - I want to go hiking all over the state in June. But since it's a temp job, I don't really trust it. And the 'rents lent me some money to cover Febuary rent until my steady paycheck pays them back. I'll be honest - I don't trust it yet. Enter next week's sermon: "Peace in Finances". I can't wait.

What is this? Seriously. How is there this much correlation? Out. Of. Control.

Serenity Prayer

2010-01-25T15:57:00.001-08:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Wow.

Just like old times.

2010-01-20T23:29:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a while since that happened. I had honestly thought those days were over.

Thanks, brother, for saying out loud: "I know, but it's not your fault either."

Good luck trying to sleep.

This week

2010-01-08T17:05:00.000-08:00

I liked:
- Biking
- Seeing Krystle
- watching Dexter and House with Anna
- sleeping with my down comforter
- feeling productive Thursday
- yoga

I disliked:
- feeling irresponsible/forgetful on Thursday
- feeling embarrassed at work
- standing up all the time
- getting sick

I am happy about things out of my control:
- dad is employed!

I am sad about things out of my control:
- I have to miss Hunter's wedding
- I won't be able to see Brother's catacumin

Like all weeks, a mix of the good and bad.
And remembering to praise god all the time.

Optimism

2009-12-11T17:23:00.000-08:00

Today, I asked God for steadiness. I was reading Psalms 126 - "Restore our fortunes, Oh Lord, like streams in the Negev [Desert]. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." When it rains at Mission Springs, the trails become rivers of mud. So I imagined one of those in the desert.

I am prone to extremes like that. (The word "mood swing" was invented for me, I'm convinced.) I keep asking God to give me the flash floods, and then I go back to the desert. Today, I hoped God would give me a temperate climate.

I'm still praying for him to provide. I'm still learning what it feels like to trust him for the next thing and the next, and the next after that.

I love that Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" is playing at this coffeeshop right now.

2009-12-10T09:55:00.000-08:00

Lots of things are happening, but it feels like not much is going on.

Mission Springs ended. I will miss it, I know. The whole last week, I played "What I will miss and what I will not miss", and also "I'll never do this again!"* I spent that whole last week walking around in a state of saying goodbye. Sigh. Goodbyes are tough.

But! Thanksgiving happened! It was so mellow. Another of my uncles is in rehab, but they let him have a few hours to come to family Thanksgiving. There were only, like, 3 families there. Interesting to be able to talk and have a conversation with everyone there. I'm proud of my family.

Since then, I've been working on grad school applications as diligently as I can. And working at an extremely cold Christmas Tree Farm. And practicing trusting God and not worrying.

Well, this time of year always brings me down a bit. Sorry for all the complaining. I'm going to get back to work.

*That ended up being a lie. I thought about how I'd never do Rec time again, and then the buses were 2.5 hours late to take the kids away on Friday, and we had extra rec time to kill time until they could leave! Yay!

Sometimes

2009-10-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

1. Listening to Neko Case. What I heard about her: all her songs sound the same and she's just the dribble you hear on the radio. What I think: her songs and voice are beautiful, and i like her style.

2. Just finished 'Till We Have Faces' by C. S. Lewis. V. interesting book. The prose is boring, but the events are gripping. It has beautifully profound moments, and I'm not sure exactly which are meant to illustrate elemental truths and which are meant to expose clever but faulty logic. I like it.

3. Went home last weekend. It was a good weekend.

4. Ryan asked me how santa cruz was. When I answered, I realized it was true: "It's fine. Days go by, and sometimes you're into it and sometimes you're not."

5. Trying to be diligent about applications for grad schools and whatnot. Then Monday hit. It's tough to stay focused on that when you feel like yr working overtime at a draining job. Bleh.

6. I feel off my game. Halloween is closer and closer and I haven't gotten together a costume. It's unsettling to throw one together at the last minute after so many years of careful planning and anticipation.

7. I just rediscovered the pom-pom on my hat. It kicks ass.

Couldn't sleep so I looked at photos.

2009-10-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

Looking at photos that make you smile until your cheeks are sore is both good and bad.

Bad because you realize how out of shape your face is and how you haven't been smiling a lot.

Good because you remember how happy you're capable of being. And you remember how adorable your friends and you are when you're having a good time.

2009-10-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

Fall is here.

The thing about denying the shortening days and sucking the marrow out of the bones of summer is that when it is gone, it is gone. When you are done, summer, you have nothing left on your plate.

So changes are coming. But that is normal for my life. But it's official now, not just day dreams. My boss knows I am leaving after this semester. I'll move in at Franklin St. (cramming my stuff in - Where will it fit? I just got settled in my amazing cabin here!) I'll have some kind of job - we'll find out what and when I'll get it. Play around with Kim and Elspie, pay rent, rush toward the future.

Who knew that 25 would feel so chaotic?

The thing I hope there is room for is my books. I love having them out now, and it makes me feel at home to have them set up.

Fall - transition.

In other news, Things That Have Happened:
- Bike trip with Dad - made me re-evaluate if I want to live close to my parents in the economy/culture of the valley.
- Listened to a devo about God being a song and people being in tune with it or not. Made me remember that all these worries are not worth getting caught up in. I am small, God is big, I will have enough money or not, and God will still have the important spot at the center of the universe.
- The coworkers are so young. 22 but they seem to act to act like they're 19. I aske for a family meeting and in it I asked them to remember to be friends with all. Sigh - I blame insular Christian community.
- In opening a new bank account, the person asked me what were my investment goals. Oh yeah, people have those. I'm so working-class mentality, it's out of control.
- I will now take a shower and try to study for GRE's.

2009-09-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

A better week and a weekend in point reyes were the answers to my prayer. thank you, jesus, for listening to me. even when i feel a bit lost in life, you give me a retreat with close friends in your beautiful creation.

Finally unpacked my books, which means I feel settled in, even if there are still 4 boxes chillin' on my floor. (the best addition to the room this year is the 'marine mammals of the northern hemisphere' poster.) And i finished pride & prejudice & zombies.

In other news, my kids this week were 3 years old during the real sept 11. it's disconcerting how time passes. Pat used to have this talk he'd give during campfires about how at the end of the week, you'd either say to yourself 'i'm glad i did' or 'i wish i had'. i hope when time passes i'll say, 'i'm glad i did'.

so far, i'm busy and tired, but sayin' i'm glad i did.

Prayers for the first week.

2009-09-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

One of the most sincere prayers I have ever prayed:

"Please, Jesus, if you love me, please. Let the heat break tomorrow."

I have never had to handle humidity like this. Heat that doesn't break. Sweat that flows out of pores and does nothing to cool you. Wind that doesn't help. There is no relief. I cannot do more.

Don't ask about my kids this week. I am done with them. I have a low-grade headache that I know at this point will not go away until I sleep. My feet hurt. There have been good moments at this job this first week and very disheartening long stretches. I've been trying to recover since 4 o'clock this afternoon. I cannot do this again tomorrow.

It's only thursday. Fuck.

some goals acheived!!

2009-08-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

I am awesome, goal oriented, and making things happen right now! I am...
- wearing a dress
- hairs are cut
- shorts and slacks are ordered online
- conditioner and razors purchased and used*

Also, my life is awesome because:
- Epic bike ride to Ano Nuevo with Elspie and Quiang yesterday...and apparently it was 104. holy crap, no wonder I felt like I was going to die.
- Me and dad are going to ride a century together!!
- Kim came to climb with me! and she said she had fun. awesome.

Way to be awesome, life.

*ha ha. in the middle of writing a blog about how i am completing goals and finishing things, i just walked away and got distracted by drinking a glass of orange juice. For, like, 15 minutes.

2009-08-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

Random goals that have appeared during the course of today:

- get internet in the trailer park
- cut hair ASAP
- take newbies climbing
- wear more skirts/dresses
- get more shorts/pants
- get rid of all shirts with pit stains
- obtain conditioner and a razor
- know lots about plants
- start on applications ASAP
- stay in touch, even if I do live in the friggin' boonies
- figure out what to be for Halloween
- memorize names, faces, etc for newbies
- teach guitar
- learn the banjo
- sleep
- be on time

I wonder how many of these will happen.

In other news, apparently this year is predicted to be an el nino. Whoot rain!

2009-08-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

today, i was bitten by a rat. it is not as dramatic as it sounds, because it was only jean-luc, a friend's pet. i'm still mad at the rat, though.

this last week of summer, i've finally been able to relax. i slept so hard last night, don't think i moved at all. it is awesome.

in other news, i'm almost done with the bike-build. just one more brake cable to put on, one front derailleur to shim up with a simpler times can, one inner tube to replace, and the final adjustments to make. whew--i can count the number of things to be done on one hand.

i'm looking forward to the change that the end of summer brings. i wonder if i'll still like it when the working-on-weeknights sets in.

Hump Day of Hump Week

2009-07-22T17:36:00.001-07:00

Wednesday on the 4th week of my 8-week summer. I suppose a day of not doing something is in order.

I tried to write an introduction of myself to the new M.S. staff today. But all I am right now is burned out on this job and burned out on M.S. (So I made Jessie do it. It's pretty awesome.)

Can't wait till my bike is done. Till I get the hang of this job. Everyday, it's something different with my staff at work. I can't get the hang of them. Oh, supervising, you suck.

I am loving chilling at the apartment, though. I am filling up with living with a friend in a normal house in town.

I want some things. To go to Davis and get a credential and master's in ed. To live in SC and have a job down here. To live near my family. To be satisfied. To understand how to do my job. A boy to hold hands with. No hair. A tattoo.*

Oh, yeah. Now I remember: sitting and internetting the afternoon away is a legitimate way to spend some time.

*Living in the present is a challenge for me. I am learning.

And summer.

2009-07-12T14:40:00.001-07:00

This weekend I realized that, even though I am in a stress-out time, I am not crying every Friday at 4pm. I live in the same town as my friends and my work. I can get anywhere I want to on my bike. My skin is dark and so what? I am happier when I get sun on my face than when the redwoods shade it out all day.

How could I work for a place that makes me cry on a weekly basis for over a year? And seriously? I'm going back to them because I don't know what else I'm going to do? I mean, it's comfortable, but it separates me from who and what I want to be connected to.

I've also realized that I don't have really close friends at this moment. You know, the ones I can tell that I'm having a bad day? It makes me feel really lonely. (Is it my fault?)

What am I fucking doing with my life? Not my laundry, that's for sure. It's sitting in the laundry room right now waiting for me to finish this post and walk down and fold it. I'm sitting in front of this computer waiting for me to finish ...something -- making a decision, being depressed, finding purpose. Who knows.

Getting up and walking,
Rachel

Bikes and Work

2009-07-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

I'm doing it. I'm building a bike! Well, re-building a bike, really.

It is lovely. A Peugeot UE-8. Very old. (It even has cottered cranks. But the pins popped right out. Score for me.) I'm having a blast using my hands on such a physical project with a beginning and end. Feels productive.

Summer camp is interesting. I love the kids, but supervising staff is...interesting. Especially since one of my staff has done this camp before. And we have different visions of what camp looks like. I'm learning to relax, but the learning curve is steep, and there's a lot of logistics for me to take care of.

5 more weeks of summer? Is that really it?

And .... training time at summer job.

2009-06-16T19:40:00.001-07:00

I don't know what I'm doing here, people. Good god. Find out what summer camp feels like: here.

PS - Delegating -- what a new concept for me.

2009-06-11T14:06:00.001-07:00

I have injured my ankle* and I think I might be getting sick. But I think it might be just what I need.

I got done with teaching my last week (8th graders) 3 weeks ago. I rushed around, getting paperwork done for the summer camp I'm running this summer, I came back to our end-of-the-year dessert. My parents came down to help me pack. They left right after my Dad's last day of work. I could never have gotten out on time without them. We drove to Sacramento, we worked on bikes, we went to church, we drove to Santa Rosa.

We started touring -- the first breath.

We rode our bikes and chatted and kept meeting those Germans who stopped to pick up everything they found on the side of the road. We camped, we pedaled, we looked at the ocean and the hills and the bay.

Mom drove us home. I slept, played guitar, left for Women's Retreat with the church from back home. We sang together, we chatted together, we learned together.

Welcoming me into their fellowship -- the second breath.

We came home, went to Sunday Night Shenanigans, slept, packed, left for Santa Cruz. Dropped off stuff at the apartment, did more paperwork and preparation for summer camp.

Yesterday -- a breath again. A slow day to read Jane Eyre**. Drink tea in that back garden at Lulu's and feel the breeze. Feel accomplished. Thank you, Jesus, for time to rest. This is a gift from you.

Today, sitting. Reading. Being ready for Summer. Elevating my foot.

*I was jumping from the sidewalk to the crosswalk on flat pavement (yup. flat pavement.), and I landed on the side of my foot and crumpled to the ground. I had to sit down for a few minutes while Chambers got his truck for me to ride in. It doesn't look bad but aches when I step on it. I'm giving it a couple days.

** Everyone I know should read this now. Stephanie Meyer and Jane Austen have nothing on Charlotte Bronte. I have never met a more self-respecting female character in fiction in my whole life. And proto-feminism that, anchored by a belief in God, leads to a belief in the equality of sexes?! And there's still room for gushy romance as well as a critique of class structure?! Amazing!!

When the sky opens up and the blue goes on and on.

2009-06-04T23:24:00.000-07:00

Biking with Dad makes me happy. I am doing too much right now, and I intend to stop that as soon as possible, but this was the thing that was worth doing.

I'm trying to learn to be as thankful as Dad. It's a high standard to live up to.

This is why I wake up exhaused.

2009-05-13T21:34:00.001-07:00

Sometimes the deck is stacked against you.

Take my kids this week:
- 5 boys, all alike in their all-consuming drive for attention.
- One of whom is ridiculously oppositional and defiant.
- At least two of whom must be moving at all times.

- 5 girls, all alike in their shyness.
- 2 of whom I had never heard talk before today.
- 3 of whom are constantly pestered by the attention-seeking boys.

- 7 others, filling in the background.

- Boys who make comments like, "The girls are lazy. They walk too slow. I make sure I'm in front so I can hear you and ask questions. They never ask questions and you can't even hear them, they're so far back." Did it ever occur to them to give the girls space to express themselves? No. (Oh, Educational Inequity, you are alive and well, even in rich suburb-y schools.)

- And to top it all off? One boy who just got back from Disneyland a full 5 hours before coming to camp. Tired and cranky to the max.

Rematch.

2009-05-07T12:24:00.001-07:00

Rat #2 showed up in my dresser last night. This one did not make it out so lucky.

In which Rachel triumphs over a wild animal.

2009-04-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

While putting away laundry last night, I noticed a pile of green cut-ups of fabric in my drawer, the same fabric I hang decoratively on my wall. I had not put this pile there. Who has been in my cabin, I thought. That was when I noticed the yellow drops on my socks. That was when I realized I had a wood-rat.

The lame-oid was making a nest out of my underwear drawer.

What should I do? What else has it gotten into? I thought. I quickly tried to pick up any loose clothing, hoping it wouldn't get gnaw on anything else before I could get a rat trap from work in the morning.

I was almost asleep when I heard it scurrying around next to my climbing shoes. That was when I knew I could not wait until morning to set a trap. So I emptied my trash can and filled it half-way with water. I set it next to the bookshelf, so the rat could climb up into it and put a bit of peanut butter in to attract it. Hopefully, the rat would climb in for the peanut butter and not be able to climb out.

I was almost asleep again when I heard it splash into the tub. But even though I hate wild rodents with the core of my being, I could not sit there listening to it swim and waiting for it to drown. So after making sure it could not get out, I carried the trash can to my balcony and tossed its contents over the rail.

That rat better be thanking its lucky stars right now. Not only did it survive the night, but it got a peanut butter snack to boot.

And it better stay out of my cabin from now on.

finally

2009-04-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

Breathe out. April's over (almost). A month without stopping, a month with too much in it, a month of extremes, a month without weekends.

How could I feel like that?

2009-03-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

What is there to say? I feel frustrated and stuck. I'm ready to move on but not prepared to do so. Deadlines are approaching and I haven't submitted anything. I feel like I'm loosing faith each day I stay. (How could I change anyone -- people don't change.)

It's not real, you know. It's just made of blood. You'll loose it soon and keep plodding through.

Burn out

2009-03-15T10:16:00.000-07:00

It happened. I woke up pissed off and sore. I went to Sacramento this weekend just because I needed a change. But one weekend is never long enough. Soon.

In other news, summer is up in the air. Home? Marin? Ireland? These are all potentials (in my mind). But now it is time for church.

I hope I get back to SC soon enough to hug Alessandra!

What is your happy place?

2009-02-08T15:09:00.000-08:00

When we did a "community building exercise" at work on Friday, one of the questions was "Describe your happy place."

And I realized that I had one. And it is my cabin. My beautiful, redwoods-y cabin that feels as warm as a sauna on after hiking with middle schoolers on frigid days. I love climbing up onto my bed and cuddling in, slowly reading my way through The Two Towers.

It's good to have a home.

2009-01-30T16:04:00.000-08:00

This morning started off slowly, one of those mornings where you wake up as tired as when your head hit the pillow. Ah, I thought, now I remember why this lifestyle is unsustainable.

I've been enjoying my old LOTR DVD's at night while I knit, and I decided I might try to read the books again. This weekend should be a good weekend for reading -- we're going backpacking. The trip sounded like it was going to be a huge undertaking, but person after person dropped out, and now it's just 3 of us. Hiking, camping, reading, and climbing. It's going to be sweet.

The day finally warmed up and so did I, culminating with chasing chickens in the garden and being thankful for well-meaning 8th graders.

2009-01-22T21:55:00.000-08:00

Reasons I am lucky:
1. Waterproof shoes that make my feet feel comfortable and don't make me feel incredibly geeky.
2. It rains at night instead of during the day. (Resurrection moss came back!)
3. The Mission Springs folks are even more worthwhile than I remembered, and I get to hang with them for 4.5 months.
4. A new sleeping bag that is so warm, I wake up in the middle of the night.
5. Finally figuring out how to keep my back from hurting when I wake up.
6. Progressive dinner on Monday, where we got to play with little ones.
7. Getting to build a worm bin. (I'm living the dream, T! I do make things for work!)
8. Inauguration cupcakes!
9. The days are longer even if they are overcast.
10. Comfy sweaters.
11. God is love. And I don't have to be complicated and worried.

PS - We saw Aaron on Friday.

2009-01-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

And we took some photobooth pics. I <3 screen effects.

Containing lists of trivial and important things.

2009-01-11T16:59:00.000-08:00

The Abbey seems to be playing Feist + Postal Service. Wow. That just blew my mind.

So. A new year. I am making a new sweater. This is my first sweater and first fair isle project. Very excited.

Grown-up life moves slower than college-life. I worked at the bookstore on campus and we picked up some hitchhikers and took care of a drunk friend, and amidst all this exposure to UCSC, I realized again that I am very happy to be past that phase of my life. I was so confused and young. (Now I am confused and young about different things.)

I realized again this week how much I am turning into my dad. And it's weird -- it doesn't bug me. My 11th grade self would kick my ass for saying that, fists of wild fury flying at my face. But it's the parts of me that I like that remind me of him: my sense of humor, the way I notice different things than other people do (and don't notice many of the things everyone does), my sense of adventure, my propensity to stick to a small group of friends but work a room of strangers like a professional hob-nobber, my love of stories and willingness to watch/read/listen to anything once, my memory for random trivia facts and forgetfulness of random happenings in my friends' lives.

Maybe I have to like these things because I'm tired of disdaining parts of myself. (Not all these traits are good.) But, the part I always forget is that God is good, and it turns out he smiled when He made me, too. So bring it on, 11th-grade self. You can run 5 miles without breathing hard, but I can bike 400 miles to LA.

Also, I think riding a bike is harder than I give it credit for. This week I biked to campus very day and I ate like a maniac. I was hungry all day every day last week. It's so awkward to eat 100% more than your friends, even if you are loosing weight while you do it. Poor Michael Phelps, I feel your pain.

Some things I'm hoping for in 2009: creativity, chocolate, biking and climbing, lots of hang-out/chill-out with SC friends, Peace Corps or other overseas adventure, internet, good times with the brother, fashion, singing, and getting rid of the hair.

Tune in next time for Rachel Goes Back to Mission Springs, Friends Visit Santa Cruz, Rachel Gets A TB Test For Work, and Rachel Muses on Balancing Life. Hopefully pictures too.

:)

My church plays John Mayer as the Processional.

2008-12-21T18:26:00.000-08:00

Back at church, feels good.

Writing a Peace Corp Application Essay, feels.... like I'd forgotten how long it takes me to write things like that.

Went climbing today, feels slightly embarrassing without climbing buddies with me. And I feel slightly weak because I haven't climbed in almost 2 months now.

I really want to go overseas for a long while. Peace Corps or teaching English or something. Craving cross-culture-ness. When you get used to a place like I'm used to Santa Cruz, you forget what there is to do here. You get restless. You forget the endless possibilities. You forget how good people are everywhere.

Is it selfish to consider leaving old friends for adventure and new-ness? I don't know. Oh, Change. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

PS - Sunset picture. Things change at sunset. It seems appropriate.

Pictures!

2008-12-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

Since then...

2008-12-17T18:33:00.000-08:00

The bike trip went swimmingly! Me and Josiah were (mostly) not awkward beyond belief. The other bike-trippers we met were interesting, friendly, and (mostly) not crazy. The scenery was all gorgeous.

Highlights: Elephant seals from 3 feet away, the sunlight on the Pacific in Big Sur, a Morro Bay sunset, building a fort out of tarps to keep the rain off of us as we hunkered down in an RV campground, Oliver putting us to shame by telling us he'd biked down from the Yukon, stealth camping in Big Sur and getting a raging case of poison oak, waking up on Day 2 and realizing that the sea and the bike and the sky and the mountains were going to be my existence for the next 6 days or do.

Since then, I've dived into escapism and haven't yet come up for breath. I've completed close to 5 books, most of them entertaining fluff*, in the 2 weeks since bike trip stopped. The break from negative self-talk and self-doubt has been like a freedom.

I wonder how to live that way in my head all the time. I'm not anxious to return to regularity anytime soon. This summer, I remember, I distracted and entertained myself, and I somehow achieved my self-imposed "only positive self-talk" goal. The question I ask myself is, "Can I ever do that without resorting to Escapism?"

Picture Post coming up next.

*like "Twilight". Yes, I read it. Yes, it's mediocre. Yes, if I was 15, I would think that it was the best thing I'd ever read.

2008-10-28T17:55:00.000-07:00

Good times.

My job is going well, but I seem to get more and more tired as the
week goes on. I don't know what it is, whether I'm not sleeping well
or sleeping enough, or working too hard, or exercising too much or
what. But I'm tired, like, all the time. Maybe I'm just getting old.
Ha.

I'm looking forward to my winter break. I've got Thanksgiving week
off, straight through till Jan 19th. Longest. Break. Ever.
Seriously, it's only 2 weeks shorter than summer. So me and a
co-worker are going to take a bicycle tour to SoCal. Which I am
getting really excited about. There's all this work I wanna do on my
bike, and I'm taking longer rides and stuff. This weekend, I rode out to Davenport! (I was very tired.) Whoot!

Autum is here! Tonight I want to make pie and cook soup. And read. I <3 life.

Pictures of leaves coming soon.

Another list.

2008-10-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

- I finished my hat. It has ear flaps; it is awesome.

- Went home last weekend. The train takes a long time, but taking time with my mom is so good and so important.

- I'm gonna stay at Mission Springs for the spring. We'll see how that goes.

- Who wants to go on a trip during winter break? I wanna travel!

- A coworker and I might go on a bike tour to LA! (I really hope this happens.)

Lessons & Snapshots from a busy weekend

2008-10-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

1. Not getting on your bike before the sun sets is a lesson in patience as you wait for the bus. I'll be leaving earlier in the future.

2. Eat breakfast before you take a 4-hour test, even one as easy as the CBEST.

3. It's hard to sit still for 4-hours. Stretching during a bathroom break is necessary.

4. As we pulled up to Ryan H's b-day party, Sandra exclaimed, "This is so ghetto! I wanna live here. No, for real, I do." And I do too! Oh, Oakland, you have stolen my heart.

5. BART-ing up to Golden Gate Park takes a long time and $5.25 + Muni Fare.

6. Eating a pomegranate with Tanya during Bonnie "Prince" Billy, we talked about how we wanted changes in our lives, but aren't sure what those changes should be. She doesn't want student loans so she can travel and get on with life already; I want to move away from Mission Springs, but am not sure what happens next or where to live.

7. We both spoke of wanting to live in San Francisco. Oh, SF, you also have stolen my heart.

8. The important thing isn't whether I do "what's right for me" this spring or not; The important thing is that Jesus is glorified. As James said: "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'"

9. That James, he's very intense.

10. Sunrises and sunsets are beautiful.

Hypothesis confirmed.

2008-10-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

Ummm, yup. It was a mistake for you to come visit. I was working the whole time, you were bored and out of sorts, and flirting was only fun for the first couple hours. Then the awkwardness set in.

Climbing is fun. But you are not the kid for me, and I am not going to fulfill your expectations.

Have fun furthering your life goals.

Today

2008-09-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

Listening to Elliott Smith. New favorite morning music.

New batch of kids. No more zombie kids. They are actually excited and interrupting and seem fun, when focused. Gotta focus 'em.

Led devos this morning. I think it went well. I miss regular bible studies in my life. We'll see what happens with that.

Laughing with co-workers. Chaos controlled.

Today was a good day.

PS -- I cannot beleive that I lived without an iPod for so long. This thing is awesome.

Saturday

2008-09-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

Princess T. wants me to blog about all the things I've done since I've last updated. So I will post about all the things I did this weekend. The best part: I've been hanging out with her the whole time.

We woke up, had a beautiful breakfast with cinnamon apples that we picked last weekend.* There were sunflowers on the table. It was beautiful.

Then we went to the Freewheelin' Farm Art Show/Extravaganza. It was very hippie. Lots of people had even hairier legs than me. Tanya said she wanted to live on a farm, but I was glad that I don't. Digging in the dirt and weeding and stepping in chicken poop is not for me.

But they did make their own wood-fired oven. How cool is that?

Then we came home and decided that having a balance-on-top-of-an-exercise-ball contest** was a good idea. Lots of laughing ensued. I won in the endurance category. Squirrel Tail managed to stand on the ball, so he won in for tricks.

Also,

*Turns out, we went apple-picking on the first day of fall. How cute is that?

**Complete with competition names. I was The Lion King, Chambers was Squirrel Tail, and Tanya was Princess.

Spasms

2008-09-26T16:25:00.000-07:00

It's funny how bodily states quickly turn into emotions. Hungry means angry, tired means sad, well-rested means excited, sweaty means frustrated.

As I was discussing this with another naturalist the other day, I was having a cliff bar and offered him some. Refusing, he remarked, "Oh, no. I couldn't. You're angry." And it's true. I was frustrated about my bike light not working and needing to be rescued by a friend with a car, but after the cliff bar, I was normal again. Everything turned out to be okay after all.

Today, I rode my bike from Scotts Valley to the Capitola DMV only to meet a disgruntled union worker who rolled his eyes at me and told me to "go home and go online". So now I'm in the library downtown, I'm hot, I'm sweaty, I'm thirsty, I'm tired, I'm hungry. I've been riding my bike for an hour and a half. I wonder what emotion this translates to. I'm not sure if we've got a word for "I need a shower".

It makes me wonder which of my emotions are real and which are just a muscle spasm. Maybe some people feel their own emotions. To me, they just happen -- like a scraped knee or another biker overtaking you.

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

2008-09-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

"Don't Compare. Just don't do it."

2008-09-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

That's what Cassie says. "Every year, every community is different. You can't expect this year to be like anything else you've had, because it's going to be its own thing."

Smart woman, my boss is. Still, I can't help but compare. It feels more... something.... this year. Free? Yeah, that's it. It feels more free this year.

I've got a bunch of bike-riders as co-workers this year. And rock climbers. And runners. Active people to the max. (I am going to be buff come spring-time.)

More importantly, I've got sincere people. Who aren't afraid to speak up during devo's. And passionate people. And excited people (not burnt-out people).

We'll see what happens. Still, I still kinda miss these girl-ies from last year.

PS -- if you live in SC, I expect you to visit me and also to become acquaintances with the newbies. Or I will hav ninjas hunt you down.

2008-08-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

I feel like, in the beginning of July, I felt like summer would never end, and I made myself super busy with fun-tivities so I wouldn't be all lonely and missing my SC friends.

Then, slowly, I was just busy with fun-tivities and not always missing people in the back of my head all the time.

And now, all of a sudden, I'm about to come back to it all. Does this mean the plan worked?

I think I made real friends with people that I thought would be just summer friends. Maybe they're just stories now. Maybe I just liked the stuff we did together. But I think I'm gonna miss 'em too for a bit.

De-moralized.

2008-07-31T21:31:00.001-07:00

The good news: Talita didn't find someone to move in on August 1, so I don't have to move into the living room.

The bad news: She is in the hospital, because she passed out from too much stress in her life. And we had only come to a tentative agreement about August's rent amount.

The good news: Her friend is taking care of getting the rent in on time for her, so we don't all get thrown out on default for the rent in 3 days.

The bad news: She told me that when her housemate moved out on not-the-first, she made him give up his deposit. "I'm not saying that's what she's going to do," she said to me, "But that's what I had him do. Unless you can find someone to replace you."

The good news: I told them from the beginning that I'd be moving out mid-August. So there's that.

My conclution: Communication is hard. Really hard. You think someone understands you and that you understand them and you just don't. Matt is really good at communicating, and it's because he always assumes that he misunderstands you. A good assumption to go on. That we're all stuck in our own heads, that we'll never be free of assumptions we're carrying on our heads, like a baseball cap that blocks out our peripheral vision. That cliches are all I know how to write.

My other conclusion: Plans change. I should not be stressed out when plans change. Cause they do all the time. I am happy that Jeremy seems to be doing better at telling us what the hell is going on before-hand. Because no matter how hard I try, I am always going to have a bad attitude when I am told that my plans are no good. Like right now. I have to freak out a little bit about CPR certification and getting it online because I can't take it on the first Saturday back. And then I don't know if I'll sell the car. And that freaks me out because I didn't plan on paying registration or insurance (again) or gas or anything for it. Good lord, I want it gone.

My other conclusion: It is hard to remember the Lord. Like Ryan Hunter preached one time, "He's yr savior, but he's not your lord. He's yr buddy." But that attitude is falso, and I know it. He is in charge and what he wants goes. He is not my Santa Claus. Am I asking what is required of me by the great I AM? Where he is in my life? What is his work in this summer? How can I be a witness? How can I witness him? Nope - I'm stressing out about every little detail. Every. Little. Detail.

Jesus, I am so tired of worrying about money. You have given me enough. Always. Even when there wasn't enough. Please help me. I am so worried about Mission Springs and me always feeling resentful and stretched to thin like butter over too much bread (as Bilbo Baggins says). I know that the answer is "trust you". But I don't feel like I have enough.

I believe. Help be overcome my disbelief.

Some pictures of summer.

2008-07-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

So, Taurus is finally on Craigslist. If you are the praying type, please pray that it sells quickly and painlessly. I've never sold a car before, so I'm not sure exactly how it goes.

In the mean time, here are some pictures from Marin-Summer.

New for summer

2008-07-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

New Climbing Shoes. New rocks. A new hobby. Some new coworkers. New cash flow from my well-paid summer job. New kids -- younger, shorter, and less attentive. New city. New suburb. New weekend habits. New lunchtime habits. New worries that are really old ones in disguise. New month. (Is it critical mass this Friday again already?) New running shoes. New sore muscles.

Soon it will be time for new Mission Springs people. New habitation. New CPR certification. New curriculum. New role as a returning naturalist.*

Trying to remember to pray for a new attitude. New transportation options. New trust in God as provider. New chances to serve those who are important to him. New enthusiasm. New love.

Dang, this summer has gone by fast. I'm not sure I'm done having fun yet.

* See 1 Peter 5: 1-3.

Started worrying.

2008-06-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

The summertime blues caught up with me again.

What I don't understand is, how can I go from enjoying solitude to loneliness so quickly? (I've decided that living in a semi-deserted apartment is not for me, and that maybe I am somewhat of an extrovert after all. I just get home and crash.)

Also, I've been stressing out over getting my car sold. I'm not quite sure what the procedure is. And when it's my first time doing something, I'm apprehensive.

The job, however is pretty good. I like my co-workers. But I like not being obligated to be BFF with them. I like the freedom to plan my own lessons. I like being done at 4pm everyday. I like getting a normal-sized paycheck and paying all my bills with it. I like feeling like an adult.

So, of course I'm worrying about what's going to happen when I go back to Mission Springs. (Good things happening means you should worry about when they won't happen -- duh, Rachel.) But really, the insular Christian "community", the extra-job expectations of coworkers (and boss? but not really? but it's never really made clear?), the living in the freakin' boonies in Scott's Valley, the extraneous quantity of low-quality bible studies, the fact that I am judged not just on my educator skills but on my Christian skills as well, the feeling like I just don't fit in (and the fact that that seems to matter a lot). These things make me stop and think, "Wait, why am I going back there? Can't I be somewhere else?"

I guess the honeymoon is over.

PS - The weekend was freakin' awesome, though. Some highlights include: Riding in Critical Mass for the first time ever; read-out-loud story-time with the Arthur legend; riding from the Golden Gate Park panhandle to the Ocean and back, riding all the way up to Corte Madera the next day, being completely hosed, and catching Wall-E. Robots are awesome!

2008-06-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

For those of you who read my blog as a way to find out what's happening in my life, I'm sorry. I've been MIA lately. You'll have to talk to me so you can see what's going on. (Yeah, what's going on.)*

The move
I moved to Marin county. Not to SF. Sad that that didn't work out because now I don't get to live in the city. Happy that I do acctually have housing at a bike-able distance to work...cause it was getting real close to the wire and I was very worried. (More worried than I should have been. I didn't eat for a couple days. It was dumb.)

Marin County
Is interesting. I keep meeting really rich people who don't think of themselves as really rich. I'm paying more than I ever have for housing, even though I realized it's not that much more than what I paid for an on-campus triple. Ha. But I do have a 15 min bike ride to work and a beautiful view of San Quentin. Who knew that prisons looked so nice in the sunset?

The Weekend
This weekend I trekked down to SC to watch Sierra and Tanya graduate. It was great -- I am so proud of them! I love watching commencement ceremonies, and I love that they are called "commencement", because they really are the start of something new. So many possibilities.

Also, there were two extremely pleasant surprizes: 1) I got to hang with Alessandra, who I haven't seen in waaaaayy too long. Good times, those old friends. 2) The ILC is a gold mine for free stuff on move-out weekend! I guess all those international students don't want to take their printers and bathmats and laundry detergents and clothes back to their home country. So where do they go? That's right. The trunk of my car. Boo-yah.

Quote of the day:
"You're not from around here, are you?" - Bike store employee, upon seeing that my bike was too old for them to carry spare parts for it in their shop. And by too old, I mean not the latest model.

*Ten points if you know this reference.

Well, that's that then.

2008-05-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

So, homie's got a place to live this summer. Whew, glad that stressful episode is over.

Can't help but feel ambivalent about this summer. I don't know if it's going to be a grand adventure or just a lonesome season in a suburb far away. Have I fallen off the wagon back into constant worry about the future? I hope not.

Geez, I hate summers changes.

My life, as reported by The Onion and

2008-05-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

The onion is spot on as usual. Check it here.

And then this happened.

Wow. Today has been some kind of day.

2008-05-21T17:20:00.001-07:00

Ha. I love kids. Even the ones I think I don't.

My kids this week are little buggers. I think I was spoiled by Joseph Sims, who were all out in front of the office, lined up, before the class bell went off. And then when it did ring, they got totally quiet and waited for us to walk out to them.

This week, I cannot tell kids to circle up without a 5-min. peanut gallery discussion about it.

Still, two redeeming events happened today that makes me remember why I work with kids.

First, my boss handed me a name tag for someone from a past guest group. "Your kids wanted me to make sure you got this," she said. "They were very adamant. They didn't want you to loose yr name tag." I was confused. OE doesn't have name tags. When I looked down, I saw that the name on it was Rachel. <3

Second, my kids saw me doing my exit interview for the year during lunch. Now, I am not very good at interviews. If I don't prepare before-hand, I freeze up and I can't think of anything to say. Also, with questions like, "How do you feel you've done at living up to the expectations of the MSOE program this year?" Umm.... there's no right answer to that.

Anyway, one of my kids saw me being interviewed and asked me if I was in trouble. "You just looked all quiet and sad," she told me. Good observation, kid. Way to go.

I'm happy and bragging.

2008-05-13T18:09:00.000-07:00

Saturday was the best day of my life so far. Not only did I pet a bumblebee, but I also ran a 10k in under an hour and helped out with Bird-a-thon.

Today, my new Keen sandals came and I got free money from the government.

Also, living with Kris in SF and being a hipster bike-commuter this summer seems closer to happening. (Yay!) I hope this happens. It'd be so much fun.

Also, as Lisa pointed out yesterday as I was talking about how much I love teaching my students, I have never once referred to my job as something I "love" before. I think that's a good sign. Makes me feel good about my life a little bit.

So BOO-YAH!

PS - My dad is awesome. He told me last night that he wanted to give me a gift that is better than money. That he is praying for the gift of faith for me. I love that this is absolutely true - faith > money. I am so thankful for him.

Info-dump.

2008-05-05T23:40:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was AEOE, a work conference in Malibu. Gosh, I love that I love my life while I'm at work and also that I have the kind of work that sends me to a work conference. I <3> Professional Development.

Came back super pumped up for teaching the little ones and trying out new things. And it was perfect timing, because I also had the most curious and invested group of children I've ever had. And they behaved like angels, so they had more time to learn (and spent less time listening to me telling them to be quiet). Good job, children.

Oh, Samuel. Seriously, the most articulate child I've ever had. On his evaluation, under "How will you treat nature differently than you did before?", he wrote, "I will treat it as though it were my own neighborhood."

I love it.

This weekend was also very good, with double-crepe day (yippee!), telephone pictionary with UCSC crew, and a visit from Mom. And a bitchin' haircut. (This in itself is huge. I don't think I've ever had a haircut that I've actually liked before now.)

So today comes. And Sigh. Fuck Taurus. That car is nothing but trouble. Yes, this means it needs fixing again. It was something other than what I thought it was, and of course is more expensive. Good God, I'm getting rid of that thing as soon as I can.

Here's my plan: Sell Taurus. Save up some money over the summer. Buy a scooter. (My boss has this one.) Stop spending all my money on maintaining a car that insists on breaking all the time and also stop spending all my money on gas. Yay, it's all so perfect in theory.

Oh, and P.S., I got a job at a nature center near SF at a summer camp for little ones this summer. Excited, but also a bit nervous. Now to find housing.

And also.

2008-04-09T22:36:00.000-07:00

In the meantime, Lisa and Matt got married this weekend. I can't wait for those pics to come in. (There were done by Ryan Chambers, so you know they have to be good.)

While we're waiting, here's some desert and staff retreat pics. Geez, what a photogenic life I'm leading these days.

Spring Break Pics -- Finally!

2008-04-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

The Mother Of All Road Trips.

2008-03-24T23:08:00.000-07:00

Oh goodness, where do I begin?

First of all, I went on vacation. It was the mother of all road trips, hitting Sequoia National Park, Ensenada in Baja California, and the desert just east of San Diego.

Miles put on my Taurus: 1614

Number of days on the trip: 7

Countries invaded: 2

Countries with snow: 2

Animals and plants added to my life-list: 12

Number of days we saw something noteworthy: 7/7

Literary allusions: 2

Desert wildflowers photographed: > 150

Let's just say: I saw snow in Mexico, traded earrings with a gas station attendant, hugged the largest tree in the world, ate Quail with Rose Sause (based on "Like Water For Chocolate"), met some amazing people, learned to appreciate sleeping in my car, had an amazing margarita, hiked in a Mexican national park, drove Taurus over 2 hours on a dirt road, and saw some of the most amazing countryside of my life.

Pictures soon.

Blog yr life.

2008-03-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

So. I was not connected to the internet for a while there because my computer had not had working batteries in 3 years and the internet is only accessible from the other side of the lodge I currently reside in. Also, the computer in the office is constantly being used by other naturalists. (And yes, we only have one. It's an outdoor education office -- we're not the most hi-tech.) Also, then my computer finally sputtered and died. Like, one day I opened it up (to the exact angle it required to function and it was all plugged in correctly and everything), and the screen was all lines-y and fuzzy-y and non-responsive-y. Also, once I broke down and bought a new compy and had a week for it to arrive. So, short story long: not being connected to the internet for such a long time means: I've kind of forgotten how to write a blog.

So. It was up in the air for a while there, but it looks like my original spring break travel plans are going to work out. So, long story short this time means: I'm going to Baja California next week, bitches!

In celebration of this fact, I watched all the spring-break-themed episodes of Arrested Development. My life is awesome.

Other goings-on include: My brother is going to live in the frat house next year, my dad rode 90 miles on his bike on saturday and is going to ride across the country next year, I'm forgetting more and more Spanish by the day, I need to get on it in applying for jobs this summer, poison oak has started to bloom and is everywhere here at camp, but on the other hand everything else has started to bloom as well.

This post brought to you by...

2008-03-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

...My new laptop.

Finally.

RIP, old-compy.

Thoughts that come to me while I wash my hair.

2008-02-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

Over the past couple weeks, I thought about my "career goals"*:
- Maybe the reason I keep procrastinating about getting some research under my belt to get some experience in it before grad school is because I don't actually want to research. It seems kinda boring, really.
- I do like the teaching and the kiddies (and by kiddies, I mean middle-schoolers or 18-yr-olds**). If I was gonna be a prof, it would have to be at a teaching university (not a research univ.) or it would be at a Jr. College.
- Also, I remembered how annoying it is to have a summer break. Last year was awesome because I didn't have to find something to do. But this summer will be good too, because I won't be going crazy working overtime at a job I hate. Whoot!

*Ha.
**Yes, I am that weird. The 2 most awkward ages of yr life are the ones I want to work with.

Science Camp: Week 1

2008-01-21T15:06:00.000-08:00

I'm still processing our first day with kids. Some girl postured like she was trying to start a fight during rec time. It was all for the girls surrounding her who held onto her arms like she was falling off a cliff. And it was for the kids on the balcony watching her like she was the season finale of Lost. Or maybe she really did need to fight, to prove herself in front of the other schools. I don't really know.

Are Oakland weeks always like this? I don't think so. My fellow naturalists seemed just as shocked and out of their depth as I was.

It makes me sad. One of the girls kept telling me that "I don't want to start nothing. Like I told my cousin, We came here to have a good time, not to start something." I don't know who her cousin is.

It makes me sad because later in the week, another kid got his third warning and had to go home. His mom couldn't pick him up because she couldn't get a car. The principal is supposed to pick him up in such a situation but, according to the rumors, he told the teacher to "Just call the police." The teacher told the kid that's what they were going to do. Then she told him that that it was all his fault. He shouldn't have had a breakdown on the trail. No one ever picked him up.

It makes me sad because the kids told us they had an amazing time, and the other teachers told us that for the most part, the kids were doing amazingly well.

--------------------
Epilogue:
I wish I had been on Josiah's night hike. He'd just finished talking about nocturnal animals, so the kids thought they were surrounded by deer and mountain lions, when they spotted one of the dogs that roams the camp. All that was visible at first was the eyes. He'd never seen all the kids and the chaperones jump in unison before.

I like lists.

2007-12-26T21:27:00.000-08:00

During vacation, I've been doing the following:

Watched christmas lights with Kristiina (who I haven't seen since Sophomore Yr.)
Went to Grandma's house for Xmas eve. And it was everything I'd hoped it would be.
Had my annual "politics/checking in" talk with my brother.
Gotten very annoyed at the way my "peer group" here wears their insecurities on their sleeves, shouting their way to the loudest laughs and highest man-card-rating*.
Realized (again!) that, man, I really do not fit in here.
Played a lot of music. Sang at worship team at church, played guitar at a swinging party, practiced my guitar and piano while everyone is at work. This has been super-awesome.
Went on a 3-hr bike ride with Dad on Xmas morning before we opened presents.
Playing with Photobooth. (see photo)

I've been listening to:

Pink Martini, Daft Punk, and Anderson
Middle-aged people giving me advise, including S. Cooley telling me I should move back here.
A lot of freeway noise, when I lost my mom's radio's faceplate.
Doodah's stories about New York.
The sounds of other people in the house all the time. Going from a 2-person apt. where you're at home alone alot to a 4-person house where you're never the only person is weird. (It's gonna be weird transitioning to dorm-style housing again.)

I have not been doing:

A whole lot of planning for the L.A. trip.
Buying a car. Just been looking at online listings. Le Sigh.
Feeling as insecure as I thought I would. I did initially, but it faded pretty quick.
Writing any songs.

*If you do something "manly" you get a man-card. If you do something "whipped", you get a man-card taken away. I freaking hate this game.

"This is Reality, Craig..."*

2007-12-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

The Plan: Get up at 8am. Ride home from sleepover at Lisa's apartment. Pack. Clean. Make space for Sierra to move in.

The Reality: Got up at 8:45. Had breakfast with Lisa. Got online to check when U-Haul opened so I could buy boxes. Got distracted by Scrabulous. Checked email. Checked Facebook. Checked Livejournal. Still online at 10:27.

*10 friend points if you know what movie the title comes from.

Fade Out

2007-12-07T00:57:00.000-08:00

Listening to Ani DiFranco and thinking about my family and how we're locked into our roles. I'm worried about this vacation (Geez, I start worrying quickly!) - being in my parents's house, being in Rancho for more than a couple days for the first time in over a year. I've spent the night once, maybe twice since last November. And now I'll spend 3.5 weeks there.

I already called my brother to pick a fight / lay the smack down / call him on his b.s. "I'm just passive aggressive," he tells me. "But Rachel, I just need a way to get back at you." In the end, we both said we'd call each other on our crap and I said I'd call him this weekend after his finals are over.

I hope we have good times this winter. I just want to be a good big sister to him. And I don't think it was wrong of me to not let him get away with calling me what he did, because it is a big deal to me. But, you know, as the song goes, "I try to draw the line, but it ends up running down the middle of me most of the time." And as much as I feel like that song is kind of 2-dimentional, I really do just want to drive out of range of my family's dynamic. We really do know exactly how to manipulate / guilt trip / compete / dominate each other, all while never letting our affection down for a second.

Geez, I get nervous way too easily. Jesus, take care it. Take care of my family. Let us be nice to each other.

2007-12-05T11:03:00.000-08:00

Adult life is all about logisitics, I think. How am I going to make sure I have lunch at work? When will I do my laundry? Make sure to pay the rent by the 1st. Can't meet you that night; I don't get out of work till 8:30. Incorporating something into my life means folding it into my existing logistical structure.

I realized this while riding my bike home last night. Biking kills two birds with one stone: exercise and transportation. Now, a third: praying. I've been meaning to fold one that into my existing logistical structure, but somehow it always slips through until Tomorrow. Takes up big chunks of time, have to be in the right frame of mind, etc.

Really, though, isn't it ridiculous it is for me to have logistical obstacles to prayer? Don't Good Christians arrange the rest of their plans around their time with God? But no, for me, it's not like that. That quarter where I scheduled a QT before my class at the lab? I had QT more consistently than ever. Also, I got to pray on cliffs overlooking the ocean. Also, I felt more peaceful than any other quarter.

I don't know what I thought I would get out of this year of adulthood, but I don't think getting things done was it. When I was little, I thought that adulthood meant watching R-rated movies, or living in the suburbs and hating your job and feeling trapped, or having kids, or ...something. And I'm not sure what my thesis is here, but I know there's one in there somewhere. It's just weird, is all.

Ok, now I'm off, because I have 20 mins tl work and I want to bike down to the taqueria and pick up some lunch to eat at work before I go.

La Vida Mellow

2007-11-20T16:24:00.001-08:00

Te quiero, Santa Cruz.

Lots of good times lately. Sierra came to visit and we cooked and ate and watched Talladega Nights. (Finally, a Will Farrell Movie that even Lisa likes!)

Went to Mass with Sandra and ate Menudo* afterwards. I'm so Mexican, you guys. You don't even know.

Planning the Decemberween party for December 1st. Holy crap that's soon. You're all coming, right?

Talked to SC Prop Mgmt about me moving out and Sierra moving in. Apparently, there's several hoops to jump through. Hmm... I really want her to live there (even though I won't be. Somehow, if Sandra's still there, it seems like I still belong there.)

Also, I missed Heroes this week for the first time all season. My life has no meaning now.

Te quiero mucho, mi vida en Santa Cruz.

*It was pretty good, I just don't like beef, and it's made out of cow, so... Sandra ate the meat, I ate the broth.

It's a good day.

2007-11-14T09:49:00.000-08:00

Mission Springs hired me! After the longest game of phone tag ever, Jeremy finally leaves me a message: "I don't know if you're supposed to to this kind of thing over a voicemail, but I'm going to anyway. Rachel, we would love you to come work for us."

Awesome!

A quick phone call after that and I am all set to start working at Science Camp in January. So today, I'm going to go into work and put in my notice. I'll be leaving in mid-December, spend some time with the folks, hopefully visit some peeps down in So-Cal. You know, have some time off and good times.

You have no idea how excited I am.

As of Last Friday

2007-11-09T00:14:00.000-08:00

11/2:
12 hrs at wrk today instead of a day off. I wish I knew the secret to being content. B/c I'm going to bed thinking, "F***, life sucks." (But what I really mean is, "my job sucks and I don't respect my boss(es)".) I wish I knew how to stop feeling restless* all the time. Jesus, help me. Because I know that when I change jobs** there will still be something in my life to be like, "F***, this sucks."

As my mom used to say, "You should be thankful for what you get and not un-thankful for what you don't get."

Something I have to learn: How to trust God and not be freaking out in my head all the time. (It's really hard at my work, b/c everyone there is freaking out in their head all the time -- & acting non-chalant about it.)

The most challenging verses ever:
"I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." --Phil. 4:12-13

*Restless/discontent/surface-level meaninglessness.
**anything in my life, really

Dawn

2007-10-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

I am up before dawn almost every day. So much that 9:30 means "get home and get yourself to bed". So much that the light that peeks through my window at dawn shakes me by the shoulders and pulls me awake. I get up tense when I sleep in, wondering what I'm late for.

These people on our Bike Trip were going to a Dawn Wedding. I thought that was a Beautiful Idea, but very inconvenient practically (especially for your guests). What with all of Lisa's wedding planning, I have found myself thinking of weddings also. I am such a girl.

To quote: "his mercies are new every morning." How do you manage that? Then again, how do you manage morning? After all, this is not a painted cardboard prop in a 3rd-grader's play. Children do not pull a cord, and a pulley does not bring the sun up, signaling to the audience that we are to think a new day has started.

No, this is planets of dust and gas hurling around each other. Lassoed by something as tenuous as gravity, yet still spinning every sunrise into being. I would think this would signal the audience that we are getting dizzy, not that it is time for the Almighty to cut us a little more slack.

Then again, it resets the birds, the flowers, and the deer -- why not mercy as well? But it resets raccoons, the pages of weekly planners, hangovers, and all other types of menaces. There's always a reason to pull the covers back over your head, because morning is a Beautiful Idea, but very inconvenient practically.